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Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.6

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. v. 6
In the modern world, many people are keen to stay at home, when they become older. In this regard, some people believe that they should leave the house, when they get a certain age. However, others feel that forcing young people to departure is not a viable option, as they always have a right to live with their family members. Personally, I believe that adult person should take a decision by themselves. If they are willing to stay at home, parents should allow them to live with the family under the one roof. On the one hand, it it true that some adults are tent to leave dwelling as soon as they possible. In this case, parents should help them with their problems such as renting a property, to find a job and design the interior. Furthermore, young people should be taught to live independently of their first year of life. Otherwise, they can be dependants when they become older. For example, many individuals are not willing to work by themselves. As a result, their parents are suffering from the lack of money. On the other hand, it is clear that some individuals are pleased to live in an extended family. In this reason, some parents are not encouraged their children to dwell separately. Moreover, living under the one roof, may offer the greatest number of opportunities and chances. For example, older people can give advice to young people at any time, leading to a better relationship between the kinfolks. To conclude, although many parents motivate their children to dwell separately, living together offer a various kinds of opportunities. However, in my opinion, I believe that the young generation should take decisions by themselves regarding to where to live.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to stay at home, when they become older. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a certain age.
However
, others feel that forcing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to departure is not a viable option, as they always have a right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their family members.
Personally
, I believe that adult person should take a decision by themselves. If they are willing to stay at home,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with the family under the one roof.

On the one hand,
It seems you either mean "it is", "if it", "it" or there is a comma missing: "it, it".
it it
true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adults are tent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
dwelling as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they possible.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with their problems such as renting a property, to find a job and design the interior.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
of their
first
year of life.
Otherwise
, they can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
dependants
when they become older.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals are not willing to work by themselves.
As a result
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are suffering from the lack of money.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleased
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in an extended family. In this reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not encouraged their children to dwell
separately
.
Moreover
, living under the one roof, may offer the greatest number of opportunities and chances.
For example
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can give advice to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at any time, leading to a better relationship between the kinfolks.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
motivate their children to dwell
separately
, living together offer a various
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "kind"?
kinds
of opportunities.
However
, in my opinion, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation should take decisions by themselves
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
where to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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