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Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. v. 2
Deciding if the children are of age to live on their own or continue to live in their father's house is becoming an increasing debate as some people think this should be encouraged while others think otherwise. This essay will discuss both views as well as give its own opinion on the topic. Firstly, due to educational reasons, some young people leave home at an early age to go to boarding school where they learn to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves. Studies have shown that this has helped them to grow up and adapt to different circumstances which they may face in life. This is also beneficiary to parents who can channel their resources to other things. Secondly, due to the health concerns of the parents, young people especially females are encouraged to stay home to take care of their aged father while they are still spinsters pending when they get married. This is particularly predominant in Africa, where young girls are encouraged to care of their father while they go to school or work. I am of the opinion that young people should be given the opportunity to be independent at an early age so as to have more working class citizens who will be productive to the society rather than having them continue to live under the roof of their beloved ones, making the society a menace to live in. By having them leave home at an early period, they can venture into businesses which would further increase the internally generated revenue of the country as well as open up new areas which have not been explored leading to more wealth for the country.
Deciding if the children are of age to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
or continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in their father's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is becoming an increasing debate as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this should
be encouraged
while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
otherwise
. This essay will discuss both views
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
give its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion on the topic.

Firstly
, due to educational reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
home at an early age to go to boarding school where they learn to be independent and capable of taking care of themselves. Studies have shown that this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to grow up and adapt to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
circumstances which they may face in life. This is
also
beneficiary to parents who can channel their resources to other things.

Secondly
, due to the health concerns of the parents,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
females
are encouraged
to stay home to take care of their aged father while they are
still
spinsters pending when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married. This is
particularly
predominant in Africa, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
girls
are encouraged
to care of their father while they go to school or work.

I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to be independent at an early age
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
have more working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
citizens who will be productive to the society
rather
than having them continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
under the roof of their beloved ones, making the society a menace to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in. By having them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
home at an early period, they can venture into businesses which would
further
increase the
internally
generated revenue of the country
as well
as open up new areas which have not
been explored
leading to more wealth for the country.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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