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At the present time, populations of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

At the present time, populations of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Today, some nations have a large proportion of young people in comparison with old people. While this scheme has its negative reflections, I believe that the benefits overshadow them. Having a small percentage of older citizens in relation to younger ones in a population can be disadvantageous for several reasons. Firstly, old age is linked with experience, and with the reduction of the numbers of experienced individuals comes problems. For example, a company that is looking to hire a CEO would rather employ an older, seasoned person than a young person that has not worked long enough to aquire the wisdom to further the enterprise’s progress. Secondly, a large number of young adults may cause overcrowding in certain institutions, such as high schools and universities; institutions that often attract people of young age groups. However, I would argue that the pros of this situation outweigh the cons, as it is financially advantageous. Older individuals can not work as efficiently as young ones; thus, productivity is extremely boosted in a society where the majority of the population is young people. In addition, the elderly often suffer from health issues that their young counterparts are free from. This does not only hinder their ability to contribute to their communities, but it also costs the state huge amounts of money in the form of medical bills. These factors ultimately become a burden that damages the country’s economy. In conclusion, I opine that the advantages of having a lower age average in a nation certainly outweighs the disadvantages.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations have a large proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in comparison
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While this scheme has its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
reflections, I believe that the benefits overshadow them.

Having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
percentage of older citizens in relation to younger ones in a population can be disadvantageous for several reasons.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
is linked
with experience, and with the reduction of the numbers of experienced individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
problems.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
that is
looking to hire a CEO would
rather
employ an older, seasoned person than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person that has not worked long
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
aquire
the wisdom to
further
the enterprise’s progress.
Secondly
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults may cause overcrowding in certain institutions, such as high schools and universities; institutions that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age groups.

However
, I would argue that the pros of this situation outweigh the cons, as it is
financially
advantageous. Older individuals can not work as
efficiently
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones;
thus
, productivity is
extremely
boosted in a society where the majority of the population is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
In addition
, the elderly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
suffer from health issues that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
counterparts are free from. This does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hinder their ability to contribute to their communities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
costs the state huge amounts of money in the form of medical bills. These factors
ultimately
become a burden that damages the country’s economy.

In conclusion
, I opine that the advantages of having a lower age average in a nation
certainly
outweighs the disadvantages.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, populations of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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