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Many parents encourage young people to leave home early when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. discuss both views and give your opinions v.1

Many parents encourage young people to leave home early when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. 1
Nowadays young people are motivated to leave their family early when they reach to a certain maturity whereas others object this notion saying that living with the own family is a better option. Although, separating from the family flourishes independancy and Personel freedom, my personal perspective is that young individuals are benefited by granting the proper guidance to build up their lives when they stay with parents. To begin with, people become more independent when they commence an own life separately. In fact, they have their personal freedom to take life decisions and learn to survive alone through confronting challenges by themselves. For an example, recent survey done in the UK has highlighted that young individuals who live independently have better life skills and strength to face challenges than ones who hinge on their families. However, I disagree with this because it is hard to develop life without any assistance from the family. On the other hand, adolescents grant proper guidance and optimum protection in building up their life when they stay with the family. Moreover, people in youth are not only lacking adequate experience and maturity but also irresponsible in taking decisions and there is a likelihood to go wrong. For an instance, the majority of teens who lives separately from their parents in Sri Lanka are victims of drug and alcohol addiction. Therefore, leaving homes early eliminates the support and security which are provided by parents to youngsters. In conclusion, although spending the life away from the family encourages independence and personal freedom of youth, it removes the assistance and safety which are given by the family. Hence, young people should be allowed to stay with the parents until they reach an adequate maturity to become responsible for their life.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
early when they reach to a certain maturity whereas others object this notion saying that living with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is a better option. Although, separating from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
flourishes
Possible spelling mistake found.
independancy
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Personel
freedom, my personal perspective is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals
are benefited
by granting the proper guidance to build up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
when they stay with parents.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become more independent when they commence an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
separately
. In fact, they have their personal freedom to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
decisions and learn to survive alone through confronting challenges by themselves. For an example, recent survey done in the UK has highlighted that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
have better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and strength to face challenges than ones who hinge on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
However
, I disagree with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without any assistance from the family.

On the other hand
, adolescents grant proper guidance and optimum protection in building up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
when they stay with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in youth are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lacking adequate experience and maturity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
irresponsible in taking decisions and there is a likelihood to go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. For an instance, the majority of teens who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
separately
from their parents in Sri Lanka are victims of drug and alcohol addiction.
Therefore
, leaving homes early eliminates the support and security which
are provided
by parents to youngsters.

In conclusion
, although spending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
encourages independence and personal freedom of youth, it removes the assistance and safety which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to stay with the parents until they reach
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "adequate maturity".
an adequate maturity
to become responsible for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Many parents encourage young people to leave home early when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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