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Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children’s studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v.1

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children’s studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v. 1
The upsurge of popularity of computer games among young teenagers has raised several concerns regarding the academic performance of young teenagers. The impact of these games on the juvenile minds has been seen by some parents as a positive outcome in terms of educational value, while the physical and psychological issues associated with them are not worth ignoring. Being an education activist myself, I staunchly believe that the computer games have a negative impact on health and academic career. The promoters of video games often state that games have educational value and thus supplement the curricular activities. There certainly are some games with educational content which cater invaluable content to the students for boosting their educational performance. For example, the games involving puzzles and quizzes are helpful in balancing mental growth and enhancing the creativity of children. However, such games are rare. The majority of popular games available in the markets involve war games. There have been the incidents where several children have failed to perform well in their academic careers because of the game addiction. More often than not, the school children have suffered from several mental disorders due to the influence of the explicit content in some games that portray the extreme details of war activities using highly immersive experience of augmented reality. Such first-person engagement in games is likely to engrave in immature brains so subtly that, the children develop the tendency to engage in delinquencies such as gang fights, arson and even murder in extreme cases. Moreover, the side-effects of games have also affected the health of the younger generation. Sitting idle throughout the prolonged game sessions in front of the console induce health hazards such as obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular disorders. While, the educational games are imparting creativity in the children’s brains, the more serious concern is the detrimental effect of violent games which are more popular. In my opinion, negative effects are more prominent than the beneficial ones so stakeholders should ensure that the games are distributed properly targeting the sales based on the age.
The upsurge of popularity of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
has raised several concerns regarding the academic performance of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. The impact of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on the juvenile minds has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
value, while the physical and psychological issues associated with them are not worth ignoring. Being an education activist myself, I
staunchly
believe that the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on health and academic career.

The promoters of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
value and
thus
supplement the curricular activities. There
certainly
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
content which cater invaluable content to the students for boosting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
performance.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
involving puzzles and quizzes are helpful in balancing mental growth and enhancing the creativity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are rare.

The majority of popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
available in the markets involve war
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. There have been the incidents where several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have failed to perform well in their academic careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the game addiction. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have suffered from several mental disorders due to the influence of the explicit content in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that portray the extreme
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of war activities using
highly
immersive experience of augmented reality. Such
first
-person engagement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is likely to engrave in immature brains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
subtly
that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop the tendency to engage in delinquencies such as gang fights, arson and even murder in extreme cases.

Moreover
, the
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the health of the younger generation. Sitting idle throughout the prolonged game sessions in front of the console induce health hazards such as obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular disorders.

While, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are imparting creativity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
brains, the more serious concern is the detrimental effect of violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which are more popular. In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects are more prominent than the beneficial ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
stakeholders should ensure that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are distributed
properly
targeting the sales based on the age.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children’s studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
341 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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