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Many parents complain that computers games have no value to their children's studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v.2

Many parents complain that computers games have no value to their children's studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v. 2
computer games have been a famous hobby of young teenagers worldwide since the early years of the 21st century. This upsurge trend has brought a wave of controversial from the parents as in their point of view, online games affected the children in a negative way. It cannot be denied that one of the main purpose of computer games is to entertain. However, besides from that benefit, these games are highly addictive. some data given by the public media throughout the world can illustrate such matters. More than hundred of young students were found to play computer game at certain centers during school time. As a result, students do not concentrate in studying anymore, and by the virtue of such action, either the study and the future will be influenced. To be continued with, the indulgence in online games is detrimental to adolescents’ mental and physical well-being. According to some recent news, children’s behaviour is also influenced due to the online games being played. For example, some young has a tendency to be more violence in action and words after spending long time to play fighting games online. Additionally, the obesity in young people was recorded as increasing globally at the same time. Subsequently, those are direct results of passive lifestyle of teenagers which is less activities and more time for computer games. In summary, online games are useless and adverse for the development of children. Therefore, it is the responsibility of schools and parents to educate and control the span the young access to the computer games.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
hobby of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
worldwide since the early years of the 21st century. This upsurge trend has brought a wave of controversial from the parents as in their point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the children in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
way.

It cannot
be denied
that one of the main purpose of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is to entertain.
However
,
besides
from that benefit, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
highly
addictive.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the public media throughout the world can illustrate such matters. More than
Use "a hundred" or use a number before 'hundred'.
hundred
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
students
were found
to play computer game at certain centers during school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
As a result
, students do not concentrate in studying anymore, and by the virtue of such action, either the study and the future will
be influenced
.

To
be continued
with, the indulgence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is detrimental to adolescents’ mental and physical well-being. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recent news, children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
also
influenced due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
being played
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
has a tendency to be more violence in action and words after spending long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
.
Additionally
, the obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
was recorded
as increasing globally at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Subsequently
, those are direct results of passive lifestyle of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
which is
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun activities is countable.
less
activities and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for computer games.

In summary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are useless and adverse for the development of children.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of schools and parents to educate and control the span the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
access to the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many parents complain that computers games have no value to their children's studies. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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