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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.6

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 6
The increase of overweight people in comparison with the fall of the activity levels that help them to have a good health as a concerning problem in recent years. To deal with this issue, I believe that both the government and individuals must be responsible to do it together. The overweight leads to variety of inconveniences for people in their daily life and there are two main reasons of this issue. First of all, in some developed countries, the food sources are extremely expensive so people need to find out the other solution, it is junk food. Consequently, according to the analysis of many scientists, fast food contains lots of harmful substances which affect the health. Secondly, people are vulnerable to the public environment due to their asymmetric body. For instance, people do not want to go to gym rooms because they feel embarrassed when standing in front of others. As a result, they may suffer from many detrimental diseases such as stroke. To handle with this problem, the government should add a high tax for junk food which bring some detrimental issues to their citizens. In addition, people ought to have a diet to control the amount of calories in their meals. Finally, playing some sports such as gymnastics, swimming and so on can bring benefits to their health and keep fit. To conclude, the rise of overweight people is a debatable issue in many countries nowadays but I completely believe that if people are responsible for themselves, this number is able to reduce in the near future.
The increase of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in comparison
with the fall of the activity levels that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health as a concerning problem in recent years. To deal with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
, I believe that both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be responsible to do it together.

The overweight leads to variety of inconveniences for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their daily life and there are two main reasons of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
sources are
extremely
expensive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to find out the other solution, it is junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Consequently
, according to the analysis of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contains lots of harmful substances which affect the health.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are vulnerable to the public environment due to their asymmetric body.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not want to go to gym rooms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel embarrassed when standing in front of others.
As a result
, they may suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental diseases such as stroke.

To handle with this problem, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a high tax for junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detrimental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
to their citizens.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to have a diet to control the amount of calories in their meals.
Finally
, playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports such as gymnastics, swimming and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on can bring benefits to their health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.

To conclude
, the rise of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is a debatable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I completely believe that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are responsible for themselves, this number is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
in the near future.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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