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Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations. Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people? v.1

Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations. Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people? v. 1
Even though stories about the personal lives of celebrities are featured in magazines and newspapers every day, I don't believe it is appropriate to share private information about these people. Not only does sharing of this information by media endanger the safety of famous people, but this also results in media intruding their personal life. To start with, celebrities have a large fan base, which might consist of fans that are mentally ill. For these fans, magazines and newspapers offer a continuous stream of data which includes the places at which they eat, their time of travel each day and much more. This can help the fans in tracking the expected route of a celebrity and ultimately meeting them. In case a fan is mentally ill, then the person can act as a potential threat to the safety of the famous person, which is due to the personal information provided by the media. Hence, sharing of private information can affect the safety of famous people. Also, everyone has the right to keep their personal life private. Even though famous people achieve fame by being recognized by the media, but this doesn't mean that they would also want their personal life to be shared with everyone. On the contrary, it has been observed that film actors prefer keeping their personal life hidden as they don't believe in sharing the same with the public. Hence, sharing of personal information by media results in media intruding the personal space of the celebrities. To conclude, sharing of personal information by magazines and newspapers is not appropriate since not only does this result in potential threats to the safety of famous people but also results in media entering the personal space of these people.
Even though
stories about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of celebrities
are featured
in magazines and newspapers every day, I don't believe it is appropriate to share private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sharing
of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
endanger the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
intruding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, celebrities have a large fan base, which might consist of fans that are mentally ill. For these fans, magazines and newspapers offer a continuous stream of data which includes the places at which they eat, their time of travel each day and much more. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the fans in tracking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
route of a celebrity and
ultimately
meeting them. In case a fan is mentally ill, then the person can act as a potential threat to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person, which is due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
provided by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sharing
of private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Also
, everyone has the right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life private.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
achieve fame by
being recognized
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this doesn't mean that they would
also
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life to
be shared
with everyone.
On the contrary
, it has
been observed
that film actors prefer keeping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
life hidden as they don't believe in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sharing
the same with the public.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sharing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
intruding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
space of the celebrities.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sharing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by magazines and newspapers is not appropriate since not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
in potential threats to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
safety
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
results
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
entering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
space of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations. Is it appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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