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Many Museums charge for admission while others do not. Do you think that the advantages of charging people into the museum out weights the disadvantages? v.1

Many Museums charge for admission while others do not. Do you think that the advantages of charging people into the museum out weights the disadvantages? v. 1
The Museums are the custodians of every society and we must ensure that this extends to the other generations. Whilst some people argue that we must pay a token to visit these places, I believe that this decision is wrong. Supporters of this school of thought argue that these heritages should be tolled. This is because the Government is interested about other public institutions such as school and hospitals, while they pay no attention to Art. The generated revenue, therefore, would be used to ensure that they function effectively. For example, the capacity of the National Museum in Ghana had increased to accommodate more visitors from the moment people began to pay for admission. Hence, it became one of the most desired places to visit in the country. On the other hand, I believe that the reasons given above is a potential disaster. Firstly, these Museums are our collective property. Since every item displayed belongs to us all, it would be out of place for people to be billed before they can view. Secondly, gate fees would discourage a lot of interested persons from enjoying the tour. This is because these extra charges would add to the financial burden which individuals are not ready to bear. The Arts department of the Queen's University, in 2003, reported that the number of people visiting Museums in Nigeria increased about four times within a year when the government abolished ticket fees at heritage homes and the interest of student in history rose significantly. Hence, we are sure that the next generation would maintain our values and culture. In conclusion, the glory of every society is the ability to preserve and propagate what they stand for. This can only be done when we the gates are wide open to all and sundry without any monetary restrictions.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are the custodians of every
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure that this extends to the other generations. Whilst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
pay a token to visit these places, I believe that this decision is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.

Supporters of this school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
argue that these heritages should
be tolled
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
is interested
about other public institutions such as school and hospitals, while they pay no attention to Art. The generated revenue,
therefore
, would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to ensure that they function
effectively
.
For example
, the capacity of the National
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
in Ghana had increased to accommodate more visitors from the moment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
began to pay for admission.
Hence
, it became one of the most desired places to visit in the country.

On the other hand
, I believe that the reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above is a potential disaster.
Firstly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are our collective property. Since every item displayed belongs to us all, it would be out of place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
be billed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they can view.
Secondly
, gate fees would discourage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
interested persons from enjoying the tour. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these extra charges would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to the financial burden which individuals are not ready to bear. The Arts department of the Queen's University, in 2003, reported that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
in Nigeria increased about four times within a year when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
abolished ticket fees at heritage homes and the interest of student in history rose
significantly
.
Hence
, we are sure that the
next
generation would maintain our values and culture.

In conclusion
, the glory of every society is the ability to preserve and propagate what they stand for. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be done
when we the gates are wide open to all and sundry without any monetary restrictions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many Museums charge for admission while others do not. Do you think that the advantages of charging people into the museum out weights the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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