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many museum charge for admission while other are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

many museum charge for admission while other are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
There are plenty of museums and historical places that allow public to visit their aesthetic exhibits and they generate revenue against it. While some other such places are available which runs free of cost. Without any doubt, Paid admission to these historical places much more advantageous then unpaid visit. In every developing country some historical places such as museum and heritages do exist which shows great impact on the structure of developed nation and these places represent the culture and tradition of that country. However, government or private organisation allocates a huge amount of its budget for maintaining and with stand properly. In return for it such places are being opened for public visit and earn money. While, being paid is the mandatory part to run the whole system (including maintenance, staff salaries etc. ) Effectively and smoothly. Meanwhile, there are so many people who haven’t any sort of income. Such kind of gentry cannot afford to visit these places. For instance, government needs to develop policies by which these non-affordable group would able to get benefits. Moreover, discount offer could be made to cope these hurdles. Unfortunately, there is no such system planned yet in Pakistan. In a nutshell, if there would not be enough budget, then the whole body of historical would face a lot of crises. So, for the sake of their existence there must be paid admission to watch the beauty of that unique place.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of museums and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
public to visit their aesthetic
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
exhibits and
they generate revenue against it.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are available which runs free of cost. Without any doubt, Paid admission to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
much more advantageous
Did you mean "than"?
then
unpaid visit.

In every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
such as museum and heritages do exist which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
great impact on the structure of developed nation and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
represent the culture and tradition of that country.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or private
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
allocates a huge amount of its budget for maintaining and with stand
properly
. In return for it such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are
being opened
for public visit and earn money. While,
being paid
is the mandatory part to run the whole system (including maintenance, staff salaries etc.
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
)
Effectively
and
smoothly
.

Meanwhile, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who haven’t any sort of income. Such kind of gentry cannot afford to visit these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to develop policies by which these non-affordable group
Did you mean "would be able"?
would able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefits.
Moreover
, discount offer could
be made
to cope these hurdles. Unfortunately, there is no such system planned
yet
in Pakistan.

In a nutshell, if there would not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget, then the whole body of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
would face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
crises.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, for the sake of their existence there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be paid
admission to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the beauty of that unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay many museum charge for admission while other are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
239 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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