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Many museum charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages. v.2

Many museum charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2
Museum is the very interesting place and some people can also get knowledge of the ancient things of the specific reason. While, the admission charge is taken by museums for different purposes. I believe that, it is the positive things to get some amount of charge. Firstly, museum is a place, where many local people, student and tourist are coming to visit and get knowledge about the past culture and monument build by the ancient people. However, it is compulsory to pay charge by museum because of the museum also change direction to attract the visitors. The maintenance also requires keeping the all things to clean and attractive. For instance, the exhibition also held by the museum to provide knowledge about past culture and save the value in future. Secondly, if the museum comity allow to people free for the entry then all kind of people visit again and again. Because of the reason value of the museum goes downward. Adding that, it is also disturb the visitor came from other country and history lovers. The biggest disadvantage is that local community disturbs the environment of museum with negative aspects. For example, they create the disturbing and also damage the valuable ancient model and things. To sum up, I would like to say that the some amount of entrance fees should be compulsory. However they have on maintenance and new creativity. While the some amount of relaxation for the student visitor hardly to pay own self. It clear seen that advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting place and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knowledge of the ancient things of the specific reason. While, the admission charge
is taken
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
purposes. I believe that, it is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of charge.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
is a place, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, student and tourist are coming to visit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knowledge about the past culture and monument build by the ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, it is compulsory to pay charge by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
direction to attract the visitors. The maintenance
also
requires keeping the all things to clean and attractive.
For instance
, the exhibition
also
held by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
to provide knowledge about past culture and save the value
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

Secondly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
comity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
free for the entry then all kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visit again and again.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of the reason value of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
goes downward. Adding that, it is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "disturbed".
disturb
the visitor came from other country and history lovers. The biggest disadvantage is that local community disturbs the environment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.
For example
, they create the disturbing and
also
damage the valuable ancient model and things.

To sum up, I would like to say that the
Did you mean "same"?
some
amount of entrance fees should be compulsory.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
they have on maintenance and new creativity. While the
Did you mean "same"?
some
amount of relaxation for the student visitor hardly to pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
self. It
Did you mean "clears"?
clear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many museum charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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