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Many magazines have pictures of famous people on holiday or with their families. Is it acceptable for famous people to have less privacy than other people? v.1

Many magazines have pictures of famous people on holiday or with their families. Is it acceptable for famous people to have less privacy than other people? v. 1
Many people contemplate their salary as the most salient feature of their work while others believe that their contributions to society through their jobs hold more importance than the money they earn. In my opinion, a job should have ethical demands and needs to be passion-oriented. Otherwise, it would be futile to work merely for wages. Let us first examine why passion is a prominent part of people's job life. No doubt, passion acts as the fuel that drives people to withstand the caustic side of their work. If people chose a job that is nowhere connected to their affection and dedication, they will fall into a victim of depression and perform poorly in their jobs. On the other hand, if we torch upon successful persons’ stories, we would find that almost all of them have been in the career that they were passionate about. Suppose Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, both of them were tech enthusiasts, and therefore took technology as the means of their career. Besides, a job needs to be ethically demanding where people need to find aspects of doing something for humanity and society. Working for the people not only will provide mental satisfaction, but also will strengthen the purpose of their job in life. Take Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandala for an example. Both of them are highly admired for their works for humanity and they did their best because they knew they were doing something for others and to make the world a better place. To conclude, salary is somewhat important for people to support their expenses, but if they do not feel attached to their work, they will feel exhausted in their life. They will also be suppressed by the undue pressure that could have been avoided if they had the passion and ethical context in their job.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contemplate their salary as the most salient feature of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while others believe that their contributions to society through their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
hold more importance than the money they earn. In my opinion, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
should have ethical demands and needs to be passion-oriented.
Otherwise
, it would be futile to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
merely
for wages.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
first
examine why passion is a prominent part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
life. No doubt, passion acts as the fuel that drives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to withstand the caustic side of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
chose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
that is
nowhere connected to their affection and dedication, they will fall into a victim of depression and perform
poorly
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
On the other hand
, if we torch upon successful persons’ stories, we would find that almost all of them have been in the career that they were passionate about. Suppose Bill Gates or Steve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
, both of them were tech enthusiasts, and
therefore
took technology as the means of their career.

Besides
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
needs to be
ethically
demanding where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to find aspects of doing something for humanity and society. Working for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will provide mental satisfaction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will strengthen the purpose of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in life. Take Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandala for an example. Both of them are
highly
admired for their works for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
humanity and
they did their best
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they knew they were doing something for others and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world a better place.

To conclude
, salary is somewhat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to support their expenses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they do not feel attached to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they will feel exhausted in their life. They will
also
be suppressed
by the undue pressure that could have
been avoided
if they had the passion and ethical context in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many magazines have pictures of famous people on holiday or with their families. Is it acceptable for famous people to have less privacy than other people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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