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Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types pf progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. v.9

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types pf progress are equally important for a country. v. 9
As technology has become an integral part of today’s economic system. According to some people, increasing the growth of economic is the most essential in the modern society while others believe that there are a lot of important things that the government should take responsibility. I will discuss both these views and give my own opinion. To begin with, a forward movement with regards to the economy might result in a higher demand for human resources. As the rapid growth of economic, many national and international entrepreneurs may hire more people. Additionally, industries will increase the country’s GDP which making the country more economically. Consequently, it reduces the level of unemployed and many people will have a stable income. Which can make citizens happier with their stable lives than in the past. On the other hand, others important things can be ignored. Such, health care system or education system or environmental issues and so on should not be ignored. People’s health and the preservation of the environment are equally important for example, many factories can affect the people’s health by air pollution and it can lead to environmental problem. As s result, people suffer from diseases with lung or heart and the population of employed will decrease. It causes the level of economic progress will decrease. To sum up, it is impossible to deny the significance of the growth of economic is an essential. However, there are noticeable filed that should be taken into consideration is the health care system
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
technology has become an integral part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, increasing the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
is the most essential in the modern society while others believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take responsibility. I will discuss both these views and give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a forward movement
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
the economy might result in a higher demand for human resources. As the rapid growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
national and international entrepreneurs may hire more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Additionally
, industries will increase the country’s GDP which making the country more
economically
.
Consequently
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the level of unemployed and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have a stable income.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
citizens happier with their stable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than in the past.

On the other hand
, others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. Such,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
or education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
or environmental issues and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and the preservation of the environment are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by air pollution and it can lead to environmental problem. As s result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from diseases with lung or heart and the population of employed will decrease. It causes the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
progress will decrease.

To sum up, it is impossible to deny the significance of the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
is an essential.
However
, there are noticeable filed that should
be taken
into consideration is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types pf progress are equally important for a country. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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