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More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for work. What will be e the consequences of this? what solution can you offer? v.2

More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for work. What will be e the consequences of this? what solution can you offer? v. 2
The majority of people establishing themselves in urban areas these days, due to better job opportunities and other amenities and going away from backgrounds given by their ancestors, such as, agriculture. I think, it will affect the economy of the nation as well as make future generations unaware about their culture and tradition. Government should encourage agriculturists by giving them subsidies or other bonus. First of all, Migration of people from rural areas will straightly affect the economical growth of any nation because agricultural land is a main earning asset of any country. To exemplify it, In India there are two major crop wheat and maize, if nobody grow or cultivate such kinds of crops, it will affect international trade as well food sector of nation. Moreover, it will increase population in cities which leads to over pollution and unemployment in a long run and harms individually. To solve these problems, the Government should provide subsidies and bonus to farmers to encourage them to live in rural areas and continue their work because it will be beneficial for landowners as well as government profits. Furthermore, they should provide assistance for agriculture and working tools loans at zero percent interest to promote their work without any financial burden. Ultimately, agriculture is a main part of any economy because it provides food nationally as well export to other countries. So, the government should assist farmers with extra services, like as, free health cards for any expensive treatments as well free education for their children promote their work and maintain the economical level of their nation. To recapitulate it all, people migrating to urban areas and forgetting their ancestors skills to provide their children best education and health care system, but this relocation gave birth to problems, such as, over urbanization and over pollution. Government should provide better facilities to people in rural areas and encourage them to stay tuned with agricultural roots.
The majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
establishing themselves in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
these days, due to better job opportunities and other amenities and going away from backgrounds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by their ancestors, such as, agriculture. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, it will affect the economy of the nation as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
future generations unaware about their culture and tradition.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should encourage agriculturists by giving them subsidies or other bonus.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Migration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will
straightly
affect the
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
growth of any nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
agricultural land is a main earning asset of any country. To exemplify it, In India there are two major crop wheat and maize, if nobody
The pronoun 'nobody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "grows", "grew".
grow
or cultivate such kinds of crops, it will affect international trade as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
food sector of nation.
Moreover
, it will increase population in cities which leads to over pollution and unemployment in a long run and harms
individually
.

To solve these problems, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
subsidies and bonus to farmers to encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and continue their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will be beneficial for landowners as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
profits.
Furthermore
, they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
assistance for agriculture and working tools loans at zero percent interest to promote their work without any financial burden.

Ultimately
, agriculture is a main part of any economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provides
food
nationally
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
export to other countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should assist farmers with extra services, like as, free health cards for any expensive treatments as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
free education for their children promote their work and maintain the economical level of their nation.

To recapitulate it all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
migrating to urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and forgetting their ancestors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
their
A determiner is probably missing here: "children the best".
children best
education and health care system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this relocation gave birth to problems, such as, over urbanization and over pollution.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
better facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and encourage them to stay tuned with agricultural roots.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for work. What will be e the consequences of this? what solution can you offer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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