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many famous sports players advertise sport products. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

many famous sports players advertise sport products. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Most of the sports products are promoted by famous sports personalities. They advertise the products through blowups and multimedia advertisements. This essay will demonstrate the advantages of this trend and also argue that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. It is clearly evident that when a sports person promotes a product, not only the particular article is promoted among a large number of people, but also the game for which he famous is becoming familiar to the people. That is to say that the advertisement pushes the people, particularly young-minded to play the sport and inspires them to practice and achieve like the person who is shown on the commercials. For instance, while Sachin Tendulkar, a famous cricketer introduces a commodity related cricket it easily reaches million of viewers immediately and also they are intended to play the game, cricket. Results, awareness of sports and games increased remarkably. On the contrast, sometimes the advertisements by the famous sports personalities might mislead the consumers to buy unhealthy products or costly products which they cannot afford with their economic status. For example, if a renowned sports personality promotes carbonated drinks, the attracted youngsters without considering anything about the product whether it immediately healthy or unhealthy adds the name in their to-buy list. Thus they consume the product unnecessarily. It leads to wasting money, time and energy as well as sometimes harms the health. However the people of today have more awareness about each and every brand as they are keen on social media which reveals everything about anything. Overall, the fact that legendary sport persons promote their games while advertising a product clearly outweigh the disadvantage that it may mislead the consumers sometime.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are promoted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities. They advertise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
through blowups and multimedia advertisements. This essay will demonstrate the advantages of this trend and
also
argue that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages.

It is
clearly
evident that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
person promotes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the particular article
is promoted
among
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the game for which
It seems that a verb is missing after "he". Please verify.
he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
is becoming familiar to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
That is
to say that the advertisement pushes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
particularly
young-minded to play the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and inspires them to practice and achieve like the person who
is shown
on the commercials.
For instance
, while
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
cricketer introduces a commodity related cricket it
easily
reaches
Use "a million" or use a number before 'million'.
million
of viewers immediately and
also
they
are intended
to play the game, cricket. Results, awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
increased
remarkably
.

On the contrast,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the advertisements by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities might mislead the consumers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
or costly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which they cannot afford with their economic status.
For example
, if a renowned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personality promotes carbonated drinks, the attracted youngsters without considering anything about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
whether
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
immediately healthy or unhealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
the name in their to-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
list.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they consume the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
unnecessarily
. It leads to wasting money, time and energy
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
harms the health.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
have more awareness about each and every brand as they are keen on social media which reveals everything about anything.

Overall
, the fact that legendary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
persons promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
while advertising a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
clearly
outweigh the disadvantage that it may mislead the consumers sometime.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay many famous sports players advertise sport products. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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