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Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v.9

Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v. 9
Medical practitioners have claimed that many people have insufficient exercise in recent years. I believe that this is caused mainly by technology and career. However, there are solutions to this issue which will be elaborated in this essay. Technology has been evolving by leaps and bounds and influencing people to use them more frequently. Many technology is built around a day-to-day activities. For example, high-rise buildings have been installing the elevator system and even recently, it is also adopted by small buildings which perhaps only have less that 5 storeys. This creates a bad habit as people who work or stay in that building will start taking the lift as to taking the stairs. Consequently, this reduces daily physical activities significantly. Various possible courses of action could be taken in order to tackle the above. In the first place, the government could launch a nationwide campaign to raise public awareness about the importance of exercising regularly. For instance, advertisements by ministry of health about the danger of lack of physical activities should be regularly televised and shown in public spaces. Another way forward could be for companies to work with the ministry of health to encourage people to walk and exercise more. One good example is by the Singapore Government, where it rewards people who managed to clock in ten thousand steps per day, and many companies started to join this movement. To conclude, Technology and career may seem to discourage people from working out. However, the government could play a major role in responding to this trend by launching health related campaign. Given this situation, it is recommended that steps should be taken immediately in order to ensure that fitness of the people of the country improves.
Medical practitioners have claimed that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have insufficient exercise in recent years. I believe that this
is caused
mainly
by technology and career.
However
, there are solutions to this issue which will
be elaborated
in this essay.

Technology has been evolving by leaps and bounds and influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them more
frequently
.
Possible agreement error. The noun technology seems to be countable; consider using: "Many technologies".
Many technology
is built
around a day-to-day
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "activity"?
activities
.
For example
, high-rise buildings have been installing the elevator system and even recently, it is
also
adopted by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
buildings which perhaps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have less that 5
Possible spelling mistake. 'storeys' is British English.
storeys
. This creates a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who work or stay in that building will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking the lift as to taking the stairs.
Consequently
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
daily physical activities
significantly
.

Various possible courses of action could
be taken
in order to tackle the above. In the
first
place, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could launch a nationwide campaign to raise public awareness about the importance of exercising
regularly
.
For instance
, advertisements by ministry of health about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of lack of physical activities should be
regularly
televised and shown in public spaces. Another way forward could be for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to work with the ministry of health to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to walk and exercise more. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is by the Singapore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
, where it rewards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who managed to clock in ten thousand steps per day, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
this movement.

To conclude
, Technology and career may seem to discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from working out.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could play a major role in responding to this trend by launching health related campaign.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
this situation, it
is recommended
that steps should
be taken
immediately in order to ensure that fitness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not do enough physical exercise. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problem? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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