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As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. v. 2
It is suggested that the businessmen must actively participate in the community services alongside their interest in the monetary affairs. In my opinion, I totally agree with this proposal, as their contribution is a social requirement and a cause of the communal harmony. This essay will give an insight into the basis of my opinion. Firstly, the community has been always in a requirement of shares from the donors. For example, there are many old, needy and disable persons in a locality who cannot look after themselves, thus they are dependent on the aid. In this regard, steps taken by the rich people can be of great help, because, as of today, the governments are unable to cope with such issues everywhere. Consequently, the input from the affording individuals, becomes a requirement. Therefore, the idea of their active involvement in the humanitarian projects is supported. Secondly, such deeds of sacrifice for others, create an environment of proximity in a society. The poor people are helped by the donors, this not only relieves their worries, but also brings them closer. In that, they understand and address each other's problems more deeply. Resultantly, the love and affection prevail in a locality, which is beneficial for both the these ends and all other natives. For instance, the linguistic disparities in the Afghanistan are fading away with the entry of NGOs and the other social innovations. In conclusion, I vote for the active role of the wealthy residents in the mankind services in addition to their earnings, because of their need and social cohesion.
It
is suggested
that the businessmen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
actively
participate in the community services alongside their interest in the monetary affairs. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this proposal, as their contribution is a social requirement and a cause of the communal harmony. This essay will give an insight into the basis of my opinion.

Firstly
, the community has been always in a requirement of shares from the donors.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, needy and disable persons in a locality who cannot look after themselves,
thus
they are dependent on the aid. In this regard, steps taken by the rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be of great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are unable to cope with such issues everywhere.
Consequently
, the input from the affording individuals, becomes a requirement.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of their active involvement in the humanitarian projects
is supported
.

Secondly
, such deeds of sacrifice for others, create an environment of proximity in a society. The poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
by the donors, this not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relieves their worries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
brings them closer. In that, they understand and address each other's problems more
deeply
.
Resultantly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection prevail in a locality, which is beneficial for both the these ends and all other natives.
For instance
, the linguistic disparities in the Afghanistan are fading away with the entry of NGOs and the other social innovations.

In conclusion
, I vote for the active role of the wealthy residents in the mankind services
in addition
to their earnings,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their need and social cohesion.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay As well as making money, businesses should have social responsibilities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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