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Many doctors in several countries believe people are not getting regular exercise. What are the causes, what can be done about it? v.2

Many doctors in several countries believe people are not getting regular exercise. What are the causes, what can be done about it? v. 2
At present, doctors say that many people are not doing physical exercise regularly, which is becoming an important cause of various illnesses. Most importantly work life pattern and lethargic attitude to do the workout are reasons for this trend. In the following, passage, I will explain the causes in detail as well as solutions to overcome this trend. People working in closed environment tend to be seated for long hours, which creates a lethargic attitude and prevents them from doing physical activity. Additionally, youngsters spend most of the time engaged with social media or playing games reduces the inclination to do physical exercise, instead they spend most of their time in surfing internet or mobile phones. Moreover, it has been believed that obesity among many people preventing them from doing regular movement. Therefore, working style and lazy attitude among many youngsters are preventing them from doing physical tasks regularly. Organisations should create avenues for their staffs to do their exercise, facilities such as Zumba and yoga sessions could instigate interest among employees to a great extent. Furthermore, people should be fostered on the importance of doing physical exercise, which will prevent them from dangerous disease such as diabetes and obesity, by convening various camps at public squares. Similarly, companies should have breaks for their staff to do the physical exercise, as well as games could be organised on giving more emphasis to physical exercise. In conclusion, physical activity and balanced diet play an important role to lead a healthy life. It has been believed that diseases such as cardiac arrest and obesity could affect people who do not work out regularly. Also, city development authority needs to develop many parks as part of their design, so that people get the opportunity and space to do the physical activity.
At present, doctors say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
regularly
, which is becoming an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
cause of various illnesses. Most
importantly
work life pattern and lethargic attitude to do the workout are reasons for this trend. In the following, passage, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the causes in detail
as well
as solutions to overcome this trend.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
working in closed environment tend to
be seated
for long hours, which creates a lethargic attitude and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
Additionally
, youngsters spend most of the time engaged with social media or playing games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the inclination to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
,
instead
they spend most of their time in surfing internet or mobile phones.
Moreover
, it has
been believed
that obesity among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
preventing them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
regular movement.
Therefore
, working style and lazy attitude among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters are preventing them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
tasks
regularly
.

Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisations' is British English.
Organisations
should create avenues for their staffs to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, facilities such as Zumba and yoga sessions could instigate interest among employees to a great extent.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be fostered
on the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
disease such as diabetes and obesity, by convening various camps at public squares.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should have breaks for their staff to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
,
as well
as games could be
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
on giving more emphasis to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity and balanced diet play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to lead a healthy life. It has
been believed
that diseases such as cardiac arrest and obesity could affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not work out
regularly
.
Also
, city development authority needs to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parks as part of their design,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity and space to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Many doctors in several countries believe people are not getting regular exercise. What are the causes, what can be done about it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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