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Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v.2

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 2
It is true that most of children and young people are often put out a lot of efforts in playing pc games. Several problems have resulted from this trend, and they should be tackled by a number of effective solutions from government, school and parents. Spending a significant amount of time on playing computer games can result in some negative effects. The first impact is that this problem causes teenagers to have a sedentary lifestyle which leads to diseases such as obesity and hypertension. For instance, in a survey it was reported that more than 50% of teenagers and kids who spend much of their time on playing video games are more likely to face to overweightness. Another problem is hallucination is one of the possible problems that may be developed. To illustrate, some of the player will be hallucinate and imitate the action of the characters which put themselves into a risky situation. However, a range of available options can be taken to tackled the problem. One measure would be government and school can collaborate together to provide some healthy events for young generation. For instance, to organize a talk about the negative impacts on computer games and help them to know the consequences. Another remedy is that parents have the responsibility to educate their children and control of the time they play video games. For example, during vacation, parents can bring their children to travel which can prevent them from putting most of their time on playing video games. In conclusion, playing computer games can lead to many serious problems that why school and parents should coordinate to bring child out of vicious lifestyle.
It is true that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the children") or simply say "most children".
most of children
and young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
put out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
efforts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
Possible spelling mistake found.
pc
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
have resulted from this trend, and they should
be tackled
by a number of effective solutions from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, school and parents.

Spending a significant amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects. The
first
impact is that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
causes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to have a sedentary lifestyle which leads to diseases such as obesity and hypertension.
For instance
, in a survey it
was reported
that more than 50% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and kids who spend much of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more likely to face to
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweightness
. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is hallucination is one of the possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that may
be developed
. To illustrate,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
player will be
Consider using the past participle "hallucinated"?
hallucinate
and imitate the action of the characters which put themselves into a risky situation.

However
, a range of available options can
be taken
Did you mean "to tackle"?
to tackled
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. One measure would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and school can collaborate together to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for young generation.
For instance
, to organize a talk about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to know the consequences. Another remedy is that parents have the responsibility to educate their children and control of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they play video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, during vacation, parents can bring their children to travel which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from putting most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video games.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that why school and parents should coordinate to bring child out of vicious lifestyle.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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