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many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. what mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? how could these problems be reduced? v.5

many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. what mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? how could these problems be reduced? v. 5
Recently there is an increasing concern among the medical practitioners about the issue of excessive usage of PC games by youngsters, which may pose detrimental effect on their fitness. In order to eliminate these ill-effects, some solutions should be implemented. To begin with, one inevitable problem caused by this issue is the physical health problems. On the one hand, the electronic screen of the computers and the unhealthy lifestyle brought with the high use of computers will increase the risk for teenagers suffering from some diseases. For instance, staring at the computer for a long time may lead to nearsightedness and the sedentary lifestyle may increase the possibility of cardiac arrest. On the other hand, in today’s technology-focused world, more young people tend to get relaxed from those elaborate digital games, rather than outdoor sports, which may increase the concern about the decreased physical quality of this generation. Besides, for those groups who indulge in the games involving killing and fighting, the association between the juvenile offences and computer games also should be cared. For these adolescents, the violent computer games always can misguide their behavior and provide excuses for their infant thought, which may destroy their future. To solve this problem, the government should enhance the supervision about the computer games industry to avoid the emergence of these computer games encouraging offences. In addition, the school and parents should coordinate to diverse children’s attention to the computer games. For example, schools can set up more PE lessons to arouse children’s interest in taking part in the sports exercises. In conclusion, the negative effects of the addiction to the computer games can not be neglected and a joint effect should be taken by three parts to eliminate it.
Recently there is an increasing concern among the medical practitioners about the issue of excessive usage of PC
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
by youngsters, which may pose detrimental effect on their fitness. In order to eliminate these ill-effects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions should
be implemented
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one inevitable problem caused by this issue is the physical health problems. On the one hand, the electronic screen of the computers and the unhealthy lifestyle brought with the high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers will increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases.
For instance
, staring at the computer for a long time may lead to nearsightedness and the sedentary lifestyle may increase the possibility of cardiac arrest.
On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s technology-focused world, more young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relaxed from those elaborate digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
rather
than outdoor sports, which may increase the concern about the decreased physical quality of this generation.

Besides
, for those groups who indulge in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
involving killing and fighting, the association between the juvenile
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
also
should
be cared
. For these adolescents, the violent computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
always can misguide their behavior and provide excuses for their infant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their future.

To solve this problem, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enhance the supervision about the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
industry to avoid the emergence of these computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
encouraging
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.
In addition
, the school and parents should coordinate to diverse children’s attention to the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, schools can set up more PE lessons to arouse children’s interest in taking part in the sports exercises.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of the addiction to the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can not
be neglected
and a joint effect should
be taken
by three parts to eliminate it.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. what mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? how could these problems be reduced? v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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