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Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v.1

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 1
Most of the children and young people nowadays are often put a lot of efforts in playing computer games. Many doctors are worry about the consequences that this phenomenon will bring out. This essay will discuss on some of the mental and physical problems that cause by the high use of these games and some solutions to avoid the problems. One of the principle mental problem that might cause by excessive use of computer games is developing odd behaviour. Hallucination is one of the possible odd behavior that may be developed. To illustrate, ones might hallucinate the circumstances in the games he or she played and do some things that normal people cannot understand. Furthermore, computer games can also makes someone to suffer from physical problems. Some of the player will imitate the action of the characters and have a high possibility to put themselves into a risky situation. Consequently, mortality rate will increase. To avoid these kinds of problems, there are some of the solution must be carry out. Firstly, government and school can collaborate together to provide some healthy events for young generation. For instance, to conduct a talk about the negative impacts on computer games and help them to know the consequences. Other than that, parents are having the responsibility to educate their children and do not always neglect them. For example, during vacation, parents can bring their children to travel which can prevent the children to put a lot of time on playing computer games. In the conclusion, playing computer games can lead to many serious problems such as developing psychology disorder. Everyone should pay attention on this problem to prevent the problems.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
efforts in playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
doctors are worry about the consequences that this phenomenon will bring out. This essay will discuss on
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
mental and physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that cause by the high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to avoid the problems.

One of the principle mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
that might cause by excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is developing odd
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Hallucination is one of the possible odd behavior that may
be developed
. To illustrate,
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
might hallucinate the circumstances in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
he or she played and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things that normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
cannot understand.
Furthermore
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
someone to suffer from physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
player will imitate the action of the characters and have a high possibility to put themselves into a risky situation.
Consequently
, mortality rate will increase.

To avoid these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, there are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
solution
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be carry out.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and school can collaborate together to provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for young generation.
For instance
, to conduct a talk about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to know the consequences. Other than that, parents are having the responsibility to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and do not always neglect them.
For example
, during vacation, parents can bring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to travel which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time on playing computer games.

In the conclusion, playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as developing psychology disorder. Everyone should pay attention on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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