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Many criminals commit for the crimes as soon as the released from prison? What do you think are the causes. What possible solutions can you suggest. v.1

Many criminals commit for the crimes as soon as the released from prison? What do you think are the causes. What possible solutions can you suggest. v. 1
Since the advancement of the Internet and Social Media, many people around the globe have achieved many benefits and by using that we can easily access any information, knowledge and even we are connecting people around the world. There is a debate that, is it necessary to share all the personal data in the web? . Some may argue that it is not and some may say it is ok, but, we can not have a conclusion because of the advantages and disadvantages. However, it still has some negative impact that we should consider and use it wisely. First of all, we should know that Facebook is the biggest social media network in the world which has over 1 billion users using regularly. Many people from children to adults like to post, share all their memories, pictures and even their status in the social network. It's more fun when adding a friend and keep in touch with people around the world. For instance, my friend can easily know what I do and where I travel just simply browsing in a social network. Nonetheless, there's still a lot of disadvantages when sharing our content such as daily routine, personal pictures or emotion status on it. People can easily use your private information to scam others or even you'll be the victim. For example, some people use your identity to fake and scam money from others. Or they can use your private information to trade in the black market and even take control over your account. To conclude, In general, social media give us many benefits from connecting friends, enjoying happiness with your friend at a far distance. But it should be careful about the public any private information to the unknown person and ignore any strangers who want to be friend with you. We should always take care of ourselves in order to avoid the traps.
Since the advancement of the Internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
Media,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the globe have achieved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits and by using that we can
easily
access any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, knowledge and even we are connecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world. There is a debate that, is it necessary to share all the personal data
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the web".
in the web
?
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "argues".
argue
that it is not and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may say it is ok,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, we can not have a conclusion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advantages and disadvantages.
However
, it
still
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact that we should consider and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
wisely
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we should know that Facebook is the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media network in the world which has over 1 billion users using
regularly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from children to adults like to post, share all their memories, pictures and even their status in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network. It's more fun when adding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world.
For instance
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
can
easily
know what I do and where I travel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
simply
browsing in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network.

Nonetheless, there's
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disadvantages when sharing our content such as daily routine, personal pictures or emotion status on it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to scam others or even you'll be the victim.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your identity to fake and scam money from others. Or they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to trade in the black market and even take control over your account.

To conclude
,
In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media give us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits from connecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, enjoying happiness with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
at a far distance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it should be careful about the public any private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to the unknown person and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any strangers who want to be
Consider using a past participle here: "friended".
friend
with you. We should always take care of ourselves in order to avoid the traps.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Many criminals commit for the crimes as soon as the released from prison? What do you think are the causes. What possible solutions can you suggest. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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