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Many countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.2

Many countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
Stepping into the 21st century, multi-cultural diversities and multi-ethnic societies have its limitation as well as merits, and from my point of view, there are many reasons explaining why people tend to emigrate from this country to another. With the aim of obtaining a better living standard like advanced healthcare services, multiple career prospects or even generous subsidies, some of the developed countries are likely to become ideal ends of many immigrants over the world. Taking American as a typical example, this country has become a dreamland of migrants who want to seek a well-paid job as well as a homogeneous society. Furthermore, their offspring may acquire a better educational system as well to receive a comprehensive development. Regarding the benefits, people from various cultures use multiple different ways to make a better life in their new home. To make it clear, the inflow of immigrants such as high achieving scholars, engineers or other highly skilled professionals creates conductive competition, innovation as well as productivity, key elements in any globalized economy. Also, people may have chances to broaden their horizon by exposing a larger audience to the traditions of their own country. However, some people stick to their own ethnic group and do not interact with other groups, thus creating the opposite of united society. Somehow, this leads to racial discrimination in several areas, especially in America where has still existed the distinction between the White and the Black man. In conclusion, although having lots of benefits, multi-cultures' drawbacks should not be forgotten. Personally, I firmly believe the government' s control plays a vital role to make sure the smooth running of society.
Stepping into the 21st century, multi-cultural diversities and multi-ethnic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
have its limitation as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as merits, and from my point of view, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons explaining why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to emigrate from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to another.

With the aim of obtaining a better living standard like advanced healthcare services, multiple career prospects or even generous subsidies,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are likely to become ideal ends of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
immigrants over the world. Taking American as a typical example, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has become a dreamland of migrants who want to seek a well-paid job as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as a homogeneous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Furthermore
, their offspring may acquire a better educational system as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
to receive a comprehensive development.

Regarding the benefits,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from various cultures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
multiple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better life in their new home. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, the inflow of immigrants such as high achieving scholars, engineers or other
highly
skilled professionals creates conductive competition, innovation as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as productivity, key elements in any globalized economy.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have chances to broaden their horizon by exposing a larger audience to the traditions of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stick to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ethnic group and do not interact with other groups,
thus
creating the opposite of united
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Somehow, this leads to racial discrimination in several areas,
especially
in America where has
still
existed the distinction between the White and the Black
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
.

In conclusion
, although having lots of benefits,
Possible spelling mistake found.
multi-cultures&
#039; drawbacks should not
be forgotten
.
Personally
, I
firmly
believe the
Possible spelling mistake found.
government&
#039; s control plays a vital role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the smooth running of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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