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Multi-cultural society, where people of different ethnic groups live together, can bring more benefits than drawbacks to country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Multi-cultural society, where people of different ethnic groups live together, can bring more benefits than drawbacks to country. v. 1
With the process of globalization, it is not uncommon that a growing number of societies become multicultural. In my opinion, multiculturalism is beneficial to the development of the whole society. It is understandable that opponents of multiculturalism argue that this process will exert negative impacts on the social stability. To begin with, it will cause cultural invasion. This phenomenon is especially obvious in some developing countries, where there traditional culture is overwhelmed by those from developed countries and dominant cultures. Furthermore, ethnic conflicts often happen in multicultural regions. People in different backgrounds tend to be various in customs, religious beliefs and lifestyle, which may cause a rift between two or more groups. Finally, they argue that ethnic minorities are often discriminated in some countries and new immigrants find it is difficult to get accustomed to the new environment, which are potential threats to social harmony. Despite the fact that there are some drawbacks of multiculturalism, I will argue that it is positive for the society in many aspects. Firstly, multicultural society will greatly promote the prosperity of culture. Take the United States, the most typical cultural-diversified country as an example, its dominant culture can be attributed by its extent absorption of different cultures. Besides, it offers a wider range of perspectives on social issues. People from different backgrounds can learn each other, which makes the society more tolerant and creative. In addition, in terms of economy, multinational corporations whose employees are from different regions can be more effectively capture global markets, increase customer base across nations and earn more profits. Therefore, the economy will greatly develop and people’s living standard will improve as a consequence. In conclusion, while multi-cultural society has some disadvantages, people will enjoy more benefits from its merits in the long run.
With the process of globalization, it is not uncommon that a growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
. In my opinion, multiculturalism is beneficial to the development of the whole society.

It is understandable that opponents of multiculturalism argue that this process will exert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the social stability. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it will cause cultural invasion. This phenomenon is
especially
obvious in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, where there traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
is overwhelmed
by those from developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and dominant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
Furthermore
, ethnic conflicts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
happen in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
regions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
backgrounds tend to be various in customs, religious beliefs and lifestyle, which may cause a rift between two or more groups.
Finally
, they argue that ethnic minorities are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
discriminated in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and new immigrants find it is difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
accustomed to the new environment, which are potential threats to social harmony.

Despite the fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of multiculturalism, I will argue that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
will
greatly
promote the prosperity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. Take the United States, the most typical cultural-diversified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as an example, its dominant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
can
be attributed
by its extent absorption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
Besides
, it offers a wider range of perspectives on social issues.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
backgrounds can learn each other, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
more tolerant and creative.
In addition
, in terms of economy, multinational corporations whose employees are from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
regions can be more
effectively
capture global markets, increase customer base across nations and earn more profits.
Therefore
, the economy will
greatly
develop and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
living standard will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
as a consequence.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multi-cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will enjoy more benefits from its merits in the long run.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Multi-cultural society, where people of different ethnic groups live together, can bring more benefits than drawbacks to country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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