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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.2

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. v. 2
It is sometimes argued that a large number of children nowadays have a poor way of living. Both schools and parents need to have a sense of responsibility for solving this problem. In my opinion, I totally agree with this statement and I will explain why in this essay. It is true that schools can do a variety of things to help them live healthier. First of all, they should prohibit the harmful foods like energy drinks and snacks. Because of the damaging effect on their students' health and they may cause insulin effects to the pupils. Another thing that schools may do to help their students live positively are teaching their students know how good healthier lifestyle can do. If they knew about it, they would change their lifestyle in a positive way. On the other hand, parents can also do a lot of things to assist their children to live in a constructive way of living. Firstly, they could provide their children a various healthy meals which could make them feel good at home. Secondly, they can restrict their kids to access to bad behaviour, so they would live in a healthy life by taking part in many outside activities. For example, they should limit the time that children spend sitting down and should play sports with them at the weekends. Furthermore, parents should be careful with their manner and have an appropriate parenting approach. In conclusion, both parents and schools play an important role to the form of life to their pupils or kids.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays have a poor way of living. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to have a sense of responsibility for solving this problem. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this essay.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can do a variety of things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
healthier.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they should prohibit the harmful foods like energy drinks and snacks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the damaging effect on their students'
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
health and
they may cause insulin effects to the pupils. Another thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
may do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
positively
are teaching their students know how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
healthier lifestyle can do. If they knew about it, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their lifestyle in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
also
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things to assist their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
Consider replacing "in a constructive way" with the adverb for "constructive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a constructive way
of living.
Firstly
, they could provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a various healthy
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "meal"?
meals
which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at home.
Secondly
, they can restrict their kids to access to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a healthy life by taking part in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
outside activities.
For example
, they should limit the time that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend sitting down and should play sports with them at the weekends.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be careful with their manner and have an appropriate parenting approach.

In conclusion
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to the form of life to their pupils or kids.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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