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Governments should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the public. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Governments should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the public. v. 1
The governments' expenditure in different areas, particularly art and sport has always been criticized by people. Some argue that the budget should be allocated to promoting these subjects at schools, while others are in favor of funding them in a way that these activities become more accessible by the public. I am inclined to spend the money in moderation, because otherwise the future of arts and sport is likely to be jeopardized. It is vital for governments to sponsor athletes and artists to preserve the popularity of art and sports among people. To illustrate, performing art, which can be in terms of concerts, dramas or cinema films, requires a considerable amount of money. If government does not invest in artists, they ought to raise funds for their activities by increasing the prices of the tickets. As a result of becoming unaffordable, fewer people will be eager to watch performances. The case is more or less similar for the professional sports. The earning capacity of the athletes mainly depends on the rewards; therefore, they must attend competitions to rival their peers to win awards. Such attendances require financial resources to cover the costs, otherwise they will be deprived of joining national, let alone international competitions. Once there is no audience for the art performances, and no financial resources for joining sport competitions, the artists and sport players are urged to abandon their profession. These repercussions are likely to eliminate the need for investments in educating students. In other words, these two areas are tightly related to each other. In addition, as the individuals' passion for art and sport forms during the early ages of their life, the schools play a crucial role in cultivating these skills, which demonstrates the importance of governmental expenditure on the extracurricular activities at schools. To conclude, allocating a larger portion of budget to either schools or the public is likely to have adverse effects on the popularity of arts and sports. That is to say, governments should reach a balance to be capable of developing these activities in society.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
' expenditure in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas,
particularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has always
been criticized
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that the budget should
be allocated
to promoting these subjects at schools, while others are in favor of funding them in a way that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
become more accessible by the public. I
am inclined
to spend the money in moderation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
otherwise
the future of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is likely to
be jeopardized
.

It is vital for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to sponsor athletes and artists to preserve the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. To illustrate, performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, which can be in terms of concerts, dramas or cinema films, requires a considerable amount of money. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
does not invest in artists, they ought to raise funds for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
by increasing the prices of the tickets.
As a result
of becoming unaffordable, fewer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will be eager to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
performances. The case is more or less similar for the professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. The earning capacity of the athletes
mainly
depends on the rewards;
therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
attend competitions to rival their peers to win awards. Such attendances require financial resources to cover the costs,
otherwise
they will
be deprived
of joining national,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone international competitions.

Once there is no audience for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
performances, and no financial resources for joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
competitions, the artists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
players
are urged
to abandon their profession. These repercussions are likely to eliminate the need for investments in educating students.
In other words
, these two areas are
tightly
related to each other.
In addition
, as the individuals' passion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
forms during the early ages of their life, the schools play a crucial role in cultivating these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which demonstrates the importance of governmental expenditure on the extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
at schools.

To conclude
, allocating a larger portion of budget to either schools or the public is likely to have adverse effects on the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should reach a balance to be capable of developing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in society.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Governments should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the public. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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