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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.8

Nowadays, most children have unhealthy habits due to increasing live standards. Children are more likely to ruin their health by spending long hours in front of the television, not taking exercise, and eating an unbalanced diet. In my opinion, I agree with both families and schools take particular responsibilities, and they can do a lot of effort to reduce this problem. On one hand, parents are those who take main responsibility for children's growth without any iota of doubt. The first reason is that parents’ ways to teach their children have a huge impact on their lifestyle. For example, Emirati parents give their children some money for the entire day. As a consequence, what they pay to drink and eat every day can lead them to sickness. To illustrate, they do not eat nutritious food such as sugar, cheese, and junk food thus can become their daily habits. The second reason is that children’s activities are a mirror of parents once since the young usually have to follow what adults do. If adults do not take care of their selves, the young people will ignore their health as well. On the other hand, schools also are in charge of dealing with this problem. Firstly, children easily get affected by their education atmosphere. They are not ancient enough to know what is right and incorrect. Furthermore, some boys can copy their friend’s bad habits like smoking, which lead them to serious diseases. Secondly, some regulations in schools makes health problems for children. For example, the first period time is too early for them. As a result, students usually get sleepy and do not focus. Not only it has a negative influence on their education but also their healthy lifestyle. To sum up, both parents and schools participate to build children lifestyle. They should be careful of their behaviors because parents are the first teachers for them, and schools are playing a huge part in their lifestyle.
Nowadays, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have unhealthy habits due to increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
standards.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are more likely to ruin their health by spending long hours in front of the television, not taking exercise, and eating an unbalanced diet. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both families and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
take particular responsibilities, and they can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this problem.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are those who take main responsibility for children's growth without any iota of doubt. The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
ways to teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a huge impact on their lifestyle.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Emirati
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money for the entire day. As a consequence, what they pay to drink and eat every day can lead them to sickness. To illustrate, they do not eat nutritious food such as sugar, cheese, and junk food
thus
can become their daily habits. The second reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
activities are a mirror of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
once since the young
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow what adults do. If adults do not take care of their selves, the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their health
as well
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
also
are in charge of dealing with this problem.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their education atmosphere. They are not ancient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to know what is right and incorrect.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
boys can copy their friend’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking, which lead them to serious diseases.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regulations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
health problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, the
first
period time is too early for them.
As a result
, students
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sleepy and do not focus. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on their education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their healthy lifestyle.

To sum up, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
participate to build
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lifestyle. They should be careful of their behaviors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teachers for them, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are playing a huge part in their lifestyle.
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Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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