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Many children are forced to stay at school and study subjects that will be of little value to them in the future. These children may disrupt the education of the majority and should be allowed to leave school early to find themselves a job. v.2

Many children are forced to stay at school and study subjects that will be of little value to them in the future. These children may disrupt the education of the majority and should be allowed to leave school early to find themselves a job. v. 2
It is often said that students should study at the school for some certain subjects and this will be good for their future. Another point is that those kids may interrupt their school work and be allowed to get a work early when they leave school. The viewpoint that students have to be forced to have the class at school is valid. One reason for this is that schools provide a plenty of academic knowledge to students and it is possible to enlarge students’ knowledge background when they are young and it is also a good method to force students to focus on their school work and this conditions might avoid students to spend their time to do bad things. In Addition, some educations at school are useful for their life such as students might learn professional skills or knowledge that they may have more opportunities to find a job in their future. For example, employers prefer to hire  employees who have a higher degree and own a lot of professional skills and knowledge in Taiwan. On the other hand, it can be argued that children should leave school early to get a job because they can be sure their interesting and learn social skills through having a job. Furthermore, they can get much experience of the society which experience can’t obtain at school and it is possible to encourage children how to manage the money that they’ve earned and try to independent. Even though there are some advantages of leaving school early to find a job, I would say that kids should study the certain subjects at the school since the disadvantages are pointed out and because there exist so many ways to train children to learn independent and social skills.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should study at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain subjects and this will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their future. Another point is that those kids may interrupt their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work and be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a work early when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. The viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be forced
to have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is valid.

One reason for this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
provide a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and it is possible to enlarge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
background when they are young and it is
also
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
method to force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work and this conditions might avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to spend their time to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things.
In Addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
educations at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are useful for their life such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might learn professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
that they may have more opportunities to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in their future.
For example
, employers prefer to hire
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
employees who have a higher degree and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in Taiwan.

On the other hand
, it can
be argued
that children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
early to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can be sure their interesting and learn social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
through having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Furthermore
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much experience of the society which experience can’t obtain at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and it is possible to encourage children how to manage the money that they’ve earned and try to independent.

Even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
early to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, I would say that kids should study the certain subjects at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
since the disadvantages
are pointed
out and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there exist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to train children to learn independent and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Many children are forced to stay at school and study subjects that will be of little value to them in the future. These children may disrupt the education of the majority and should be allowed to leave school early to find themselves a job. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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