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Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v.7

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v. 7
Recently it has become customary that, encourage children by their parents to get a part time job in their leisure time has substantial drawback and definite advantages, the question of whether is a positive or negative are complex. On the personal level, it appears indisputable that there are some children who are quite bright, but who are simply not interested in formal learning, and they may show an aptitude for working with their hands, or want to start own business and become entrepreneurs. As the result a part time job might be an opportunity to achieve such ambitions. To clarify this point, during college or school days if students working like waiter at restaurants it can teach how the employer do their work seriously and independent and also teaches them how to run their own business in the future. However, detractors of such opinion Say that, Educational qualifications are considered to be very important in the modern world. They are essential for people who want to find reasonably well paid employment in the professions, for this reason students always try to work hard at school and achieve academic success by doing well in exams. In this way, working in part time job during the study become a high obstacle to achieve a good degree. However, it is true that when the students have a willingness to work a part time job it will create the mental and physical development of children. And it is perfectly possible for students to achieve such ambitions. To conclude, I'm convinced that a part time job has a plethora of advantages and disadvantages, but I tend to believe that parents should motivate their children to do the part time job As it teaches them better qualities, and manage the daily routine.
Recently it has become customary that, encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has substantial drawback and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
advantages,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
are complex.

On the personal level, it appears indisputable that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are quite bright,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
who are
simply
not interested in formal learning, and they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an aptitude for working with their hands, or want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business and become entrepreneurs.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the result a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
might be an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
such ambitions. To clarify this point, during college or school days if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
working like waiter at restaurants it can teach how the employer do their work
seriously
and independent and
also
teaches them how to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business in the future.

However
, detractors of such opinion Say that, Educational qualifications
are considered
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in the modern world. They are essential for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who want to find
reasonably
well paid employment in the professions,
for this reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
always try to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at school and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
academic success by
Use "well on" with "exams". Try this: "doing well on exams".
doing well in exams
. In this way, working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
during the study become a high obstacle to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
degree.
However
, it is true that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a willingness to work a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
it will create the mental and physical development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. And it is
perfectly
possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
such ambitions.

To conclude
, I'm convinced that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has a plethora of advantages and disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I tend to believe that parents should motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
As it teaches them better qualities, and manage the daily routine.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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