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Many Children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. what are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v.1

Many Children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. what are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v. 1
It is true fact that it is irrefutable fact that a significant number of parents advised their children to do part time job in their leisure time. Although many may see is as positive phenomena, it is not a trend without drawbacks. Both the merits and demerits will be discussed before a reasonable conclusion is reached. The first and foremost advantage is that if they work hard to earn their own money, they learn the value of money and know how to spend and where to spend? Moreover, it will help them to manage their account in the future. The Second advantage is that part time job is the best way the make them busy in their free time so that they spend whole vacant time in learning something new on the job. Nowadays, young mind mostly spends their free time in using social media, watching inappropriate videos, many of them start taking harmful drugs which affect their physical Growth. Playing harmful games that are dangerous for the brain and eyes? For example, In 2018 India did a survey in which they compared the physical growth of children who use to play more computer games with who do not and results showed 82% of children’s who are addicted to games are mentally weak. Moreover, they get a chance to work with skilled professionals and learn moral values, punctuality, time management and many important values which help them in future. On the other hand, inspiring children for a short time work in their leisure time also have some negative aspect as it may affect their physical as well as mental growth. They do study for long hours in school and after that if they will do the job? Become a hectic schedule which affects their health. They must have time to play and spend with peers. Beside this, spending whole the day away from the family may affect their heritage values. After analysing both the views I am of the opinion that Motivating children to make them busy is good it will save them from bad habits but part time job is not a good idea. Parents ask them to help them in their work rather than asking for the job. So that they will spend time with parents, and also get time to play with peers.
It is true fact that it is irrefutable fact that a significant number of parents advised their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Although
Possible agreement error. The noun may seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much may", "a good deal of may".
many may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
phenomena, it is not a trend without drawbacks. Both the merits and demerits will
be discussed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a reasonable conclusion
is reached
.

The
first
and foremost advantage is that if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
money, they learn the value of money and know how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
and where to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
?
Moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to manage their account in the future.

The Second advantage is that part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is the best way the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them busy in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
whole vacant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in learning something new on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Nowadays, young mind
mostly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in using social media, watching inappropriate videos,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking harmful drugs which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
their physical Growth. Playing harmful games that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the brain and eyes?
For example
, In 2018 India did a survey in which they compared the physical growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
play more computer games with
Did you mean "whom"?
who
do not and results
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
82% of
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children’s
who
are addicted
to games are mentally weak.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with skilled professionals and learn moral values, punctuality,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
values which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

On the other hand
, inspiring
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children
for a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect as it may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
their physical
as well
as mental growth. They do study for long hours in school and after that if they will do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
? Become a hectic schedule which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
their health. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
with peers. Beside this, spending whole the day away from the family may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
their heritage values.

After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both the views I am of the opinion that Motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them busy is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
it will save them from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Parents ask them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
rather
than asking for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with parents, and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play with peers.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many Children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. what are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
386 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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