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Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children in doing so? v.4

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children in doing so? v. 4
In some countries, teenagers are motivated by their parents to work while attending school or university. This essay will discuss both positive and negative aspects of doing a part-time job on children. Employment train younger generation necessary skills and make them independent. Students learn some essential talents, which is of great benefit when they take on real jobs after graduation, while working during their childhood. It also makes them self-sufficient and they rely less on their parents, who have other responsibilities too, for pocket money. According to a recent study conducted at Harvard University, proved that individuals who worked during their student life perform better in their careers. For these reasons, some parents encourage their children to utilize their free time working. While teenagers learn some important expertise, it hinders with their studies and their results get affected eventually. They get involved in their work so much that they lose their focus on studying, which should be their first priority, which will ruin their future. It also exposes them to abuse. Young people are vulnerable at that age and can easily become a target of molestation at the workplace. A study concluded at Oxford University, said that students who take on part-time jobs perform worse than those who don’t. Therefore, bad grades and mistreatment are the outcomes of teen employment. In conclusion, some parents promote their children to work in their spare hours. This essay discussed the advantages of child labour that it helps them learn new skill sets and makes them less dependent on their old people. It also debated the disadvantages that affect your performance at school and increase the chances of harassment.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are motivated
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to work while attending school or university. This essay will discuss both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of doing a part-time job on children.

Employment train younger generation necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent. Students learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
essential talents, which is of great benefit when they take on real jobs after graduation, while working during their childhood. It
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
self-sufficient and
they rely less on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have other responsibilities too, for pocket money. According to a recent study conducted at Harvard University, proved that individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
worked during their student life perform better in their careers. For these reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
encourage their children to utilize their free time working.

While
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
expertise, it hinders with their studies and their results
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
eventually
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in their work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that they lose their focus on studying, which should be their
first
priority, which will ruin their future. It
also
exposes them to abuse. Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are vulnerable at that age and can
easily
become a target of molestation at the workplace. A study concluded at Oxford University, said that students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
take on part-time jobs perform worse than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don’t.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
grades and mistreatment are the outcomes of teen employment.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
promote their children to work in their spare hours. This essay discussed the advantages of child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them less dependent on their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It
also
debated the disadvantages that affect your performance at school and increase the chances of harassment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children in doing so? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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