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Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so. v.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so. v. 5
Nowadays, Its commonly seen that parents motivate their children to do part-time jobs in their free time. Although many may see it as a positive phenomenon, but this is not a trend without drawbacks. Both merits and demerits will be discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs before a reasonable conclusion can be drawn. The first positive aspect of doing part time jobs for young children is it gives them the golden opportunity to learn vocational skills that are not taught in schools. Also, earning money will develop a sense of accountability that in turn develops financial management skills. In addition to this, they get exposed to the people of different behaviours and attitudes that inculcate social skills. Moreover, it generates the ability to work efficiently under their supervisors even if they pressurize them. On the contrary, many people vehemently contend that these temporary part-time jobs can deviate the young minds from studies and they lean more towards money. Besides this, the hectic schedule of work and studies makes them stressful and they get haywire while trying to make the balance between education and job. Also, the influence of bad people can let them indulge in various anti-social activities that can spoil their lives. After analysing both the views it is crystal clear that part-time jobs for children leaves a more negative impact on them which overshadows the advantages of it. Further, I strongly suggest that parents should only let their children do part-time work if it's really needed to support them financially and keep a check on their working schedule and activities.
Nowadays, Its
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that parents motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in their free time. Although
Possible agreement error. The noun may seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much may", "a good deal of may".
many may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
phenomenon,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this is not a trend without drawbacks. Both merits and demerits will
be discussed
in the forthcoming paragraphs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a reasonable conclusion can
be drawn
.

The
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect of doing
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is it gives them the golden opportunity to learn vocational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that are not taught in schools.
Also
, earning money will develop a sense of accountability that in turn develops financial management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
In addition
to this, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exposed to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and attitudes that inculcate social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Moreover
, it generates the ability to work
efficiently
under their supervisors even if they pressurize them.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
vehemently
contend that these temporary part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can deviate the young minds from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studies and
they lean more towards money.
Besides
this, the hectic schedule of work and studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stressful and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
haywire while trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the balance between education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Also
, the influence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them indulge in various anti-social activities that can spoil their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both the views it is crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on them which overshadows the advantages of it.
Further
, I
strongly
suggest that parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do part-time work if it's
really
needed to support them
financially
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
on their working schedule and activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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