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Some people think that to produce a happier society we must ensure that there is only a small difference in earnings between rich and poor. To what extend do you agree? v.1

Some people think that to produce a happier society we must ensure that there is only a small difference in earnings between rich and poor. v. 1
Some people believe that income inequality ought to be lessen in order to create a happier society. I am in accord with this position because it will bring equal opportunities for personal development and even result in more content society. Admittedly, it is argued that the society naturally tends to be hierarchic and unequal. It is because some people come from wealthier backgrounds and, thus, have access to elite universities, luxury housing, and promising career opportunities, while others are left to survive from paycheck to paycheck. A vivid example of such unbalance is capitalism, when a superior class is empowered because of money they possess. Fortunately, numerous researches reveal that wealth disproportion only heightens the tension in population and, therefore, prevents the society from being happy. So currently people attempt to eliminate extreme income disparity. The driven force of every happy society is equal opportunities for its members. For example, an access to higher education, well-paid jobs, and a better housing. This would allow people with various backgrounds to succeed in chosen career and lead to better economic security for households. As an immediate result, the society would consists of educated and employed people who are treated fairly and ready to contribute more to the society. In addition, it could solve a problem of brain drain due to the fact that people will feel more evaluated and happier in their own country and would not consider immigration. In conclusion, I firmly agree that a narrow gap between rich and poor could benefit to a happier society due equal opportunities for every member and financial reliability.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that income inequality ought to be
Consider using a past participle here: "lessened".
lessen
in order to create a happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I am in accord with this position
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will bring equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
for personal development and even result in more content society.

Admittedly
, it
is argued
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
naturally
tends to be hierarchic and unequal. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from wealthier backgrounds and,
thus
, have access to elite universities, luxury housing, and promising career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
, while others are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to survive from paycheck to paycheck. A vivid example of such unbalance is capitalism, when a superior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
is empowered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of money they possess.
Fortunately
, numerous researches reveal that wealth disproportion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
heightens the tension in population and,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
from being happy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
currently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attempt to eliminate extreme income disparity.

The driven force of every happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
for its members.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "access".
an access
to higher education, well-paid jobs, and a better housing. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with various backgrounds to succeed in chosen career and lead to better economic security for households. As an immediate result, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "consist"
consists
of educated and employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are treated
fairly
and ready to contribute more to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
In addition
, it could solve a problem of brain drain due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will feel more evaluated and happier in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country and would not consider immigration.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that a narrow gap between rich and poor could benefit to a happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
due equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
for every member and financial reliability.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that to produce a happier society we must ensure that there is only a small difference in earnings between rich and poor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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