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Many animals are facing extinction in the wild. Why is this happening? What can be done to protect them? v.3

Many animals are facing extinction in the wild. Why is this happening? What can be done to protect them? v. 3
Animals are a crucial part of our ecosystem. Nowadays, however, many of them are on the verge of extinction even few are completely disappeared. While a dramatic increase in earth temperature could be the primary reason for this, there are many ways to protect these species from extinction. Global warming is the chief reason to increase the rate of animal extinction. Since the advent of industrialism, earth temperature has been increasing swiftly. On top of this, more and more private and public vehicle producing a substantial amount of carbon dioxide which is the essential reason to change in the climate. As a consequence, wild animals those who can not sustain in this type of warm environment are dying out each and every day. Recent Bushfires, in Australia, for instance, is because of a rise in temperature, therefore, more than 500 millions of animal lost their life, and some of them become protected species especially, Australian Koalas. However, there are many ways to control the extinction of wild animals. First and foremost, the government has the power to make most even all the forest areas completely protected from human activities as humans tend to set fires. This will not only reduce the number of fires in jungles but also help to grow these inhabitant places naturally, which is vital for prosperous wildlife in a forest. In addition, vehicle manufacturers should produce products that are environmentally friendly. Electric cars, for example, is paramount to reduce carbon emissions in the atmosphere. To sum up, the extinction of wild species is inevitable due to a gradual rise in the temperature. However, we as a human can control this rate by protecting animals and their inhabitant places who are less in numbers and by promoting eco-friendly means of transport.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Animals
are a crucial part of our ecosystem. Nowadays,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are on the verge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
even few are completely disappeared. While a dramatic increase in earth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
could be the primary reason for this, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to protect these species from extinction.

Global warming is the chief reason to increase the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
. Since the advent of industrialism, earth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
has been increasing
swiftly
. On top of this, more and more private and public vehicle producing a substantial amount of carbon dioxide which is the essential reason to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the climate. As a consequence, wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
those who can not sustain in this type of warm environment are dying out each and every day. Recent Bushfires, in Australia,
for instance
, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a rise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
,
therefore
, more than
Use a singular form of the numeral here: "500 million".
500 millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
lost their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them become protected species
especially
, Australian Koalas.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
First
and foremost, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has the power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
most even all the forest areas completely protected from human activities as humans tend to set fires. This will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of fires in jungles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to grow these inhabitant places
naturally
, which is vital for prosperous wildlife in a forest.
In addition
, vehicle manufacturers should produce products that are
environmentally
friendly. Electric cars,
for example
, is paramount to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
carbon emissions in the atmosphere.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extinction
of wild species is inevitable due to a gradual rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
.
However
, we as a human can control this rate by protecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and their inhabitant places who are less in numbers and by promoting eco-friendly means of transport.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Many animals are facing extinction in the wild. Why is this happening? What can be done to protect them? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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