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Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. v.9

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. v. 9
With the tremendous advancement in heath care and medical science, people's life expectancy has become longer than ever before and it is believed that older people can now have a more active life than they had in the past. Some people opine that senior people can still have productive and active lives and the following essay will discuss how they can have positive contributions to the society. Firstly, it is a fact that people are now working longer than ever before and government in many countries has been forced to increase the retirement age. Thanks to the latest healthcare facility and scientific advancement for that. Furthermore, it is also noticed that instead of becoming a housewife, many women choose to work nowadays. Consequently, working parents are leaving their children either in a daycare centre or to a babysitter. Having healthy and active grandparents will be beneficial for these families, as they could help by taking care of their grandchildren. Grandparents take great care of their grandchildren and this strengthens the family tie. Secondly, healthy and productive senior citizens can make contributions to the societies through volunteering jobs. It is a fact that many public facilities such as local libraries need some people to do volunteering jobs. Many of the senior people love to do these kinds of activities, as they give them a chance to socialise and interact with other people. And then, by having more volunteer employees the operating cost will be reduced and the fund could be allocated for other important matters. Thirdly, there are many professions where experienced and older people can contribute far better than young people. For instance, politicians, teachers, researchers, historian, doctors often need time to produce their best output. Thus older people can remain in these types of professions and serve the people and country for a long. In conclusion, it is true that as the health and medicine sectors have developed, people's life span have become longer. Most of the retired people are still in healthy and active conditions. I personally believe that these people can give positive contributions to societies. They could assist their children by taking care of the grandchildren, and they could do volunteering jobs in the neighbourhood. Some of them can even serve the country in different important professions.
With the tremendous advancement in heath
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and medical science,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life expectancy has become longer than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and it
is believed
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have a more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
life than they had in the past.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
still
have productive and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and the following essay will discuss how they can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contributions to the society.

Firstly
, it is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
working longer than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries has
been forced
to increase the retirement age. Thanks to the latest healthcare facility and scientific advancement for that.
Furthermore
, it is
also
noticed that
instead
of becoming a housewife,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women choose to work nowadays.
Consequently
, working parents are leaving their children either in a daycare
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
or to a babysitter. Having healthy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
grandparents will be beneficial for these families, as they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
by taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their grandchildren. Grandparents take great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their grandchildren and this strengthens the family tie.

Secondly
, healthy and productive senior citizens can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
contributions to the societies through volunteering jobs. It is a fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
public facilities such as local libraries need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do volunteering jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of the senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to do these kinds of activities, as they give them a chance to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and interact with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. And then, by having more volunteer employees the operating cost will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and the fund could
be allocated
for other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
matters.

Thirdly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professions where experienced and older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contribute far better than young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, politicians, teachers, researchers, historian, doctors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
need time to produce their best output.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can remain in these types of professions and serve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and country for a long.

In conclusion
, it is true that as the health and medicine sectors have developed,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life span have become longer. Most of the retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
in healthy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
conditions. I
personally
believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contributions to societies. They could assist their children by taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the grandchildren, and they could do volunteering jobs in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them can even serve the country in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
professions.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. v. 9

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
381 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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