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In many countries, young people are granted certain privileges and responsibilities at the age of sixteen. Clearly, parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach this important milestone. v.2

In many countries, young people are granted certain privileges and responsibilities at the age of sixteen. Clearly, parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach this important milestone. v. 2
It is widely believed that grown-up children should be granted to take some particular responsibilities for making their own decisions at the age of sixteen.   I am on the belief that parents still have authorities on guiding their children at that time as long as it is not too much intervening. I will outline two measures that can be done by parents for guiding their children. First of all, the most important area is safety. Children tend to do something based on what they like but careless on its risks. Likewise, children are more curious than adults that they want to try anything. For instance, in some developing countries like Indonesia, especially in a village, many adolescents ride a motorcycle before they are 15 years old and they do not require a driving license. Commonly, they drive fast and do not wear a helmet. This issue needs parents’ attention. Therefore, parents should give advice and necessary information about the suitable time for them for riding a vehicle. Another measure is financial management. In some regions, most teenagers depend on their parents for money. It is my firm belief that guiding them on how to manage money from the young age will be valuable for their future. In addition, children could make a better decision on what their money should be spent on. For example, parents should give a particular amount of money regularly. They have to commit that there will be no extra funding even though it is hard up. Therefore, children’s awareness will go up and the probability of getting a part-time job is highly likely to happen. Proper guidance from parents can build a better future for the children. Teenagers often lack the experience for taking important decisions and the parents should always be friendly and supportive while guiding their children. In short, whilst young people are granted particular privileges at a certain age, parents still have authorities for controlling them but without too much intervening. Children still need guidance for their future wellbeing.
It is
widely
believed that grown-up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be granted
to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular responsibilities for making their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions at the age of sixteen.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
I am on the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
still
have authorities on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guiding
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at that time as long as it is not too much intervening. I will outline two measures that can
be done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guiding
their children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
area is safety.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
tend to do something based on what they like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
careless on its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
.
Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more curious than adults that they want to try anything.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
like Indonesia,
especially
in a village,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adolescents ride a motorcycle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they are 15 years
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
they do not require a driving license.
Commonly
, they drive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and do not wear a helmet. This issue needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
attention.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should give advice and necessary information about the suitable time for them for riding a vehicle.

Another measure is financial management. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regions, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
depend on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. It is my firm belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guiding
them on how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from the young age will be valuable for their future.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better decision on what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be spent
on.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should give a particular amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
regularly
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
commit that there will be no extra funding
even though
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
up.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
awareness will go up and the probability of getting a part-time job is
highly
likely to happen.

Proper guidance from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can build a better future for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lack the experience for taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should always be friendly and supportive while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guiding
their children.

In short, whilst young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are granted
particular privileges at a certain age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
still
have authorities for controlling them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without too much intervening.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
still
need guidance for their future
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, young people are granted certain privileges and responsibilities at the age of sixteen. Clearly, parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach this important milestone. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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