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Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v.2

Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 2
Leisure is a pivotal part of an individual’s life in order to maintain balance from work and fun and due to the advancement of technology, it became a hindrance for people to enjoy it creatively. So, some insist that the public were happier in the past when life was still simple that they manage to savor their free time with worthwhile events. In my part, I disagree with the statement because the generation today became resourceful and artistic during their leisure time with the help of the latest technology. In the past, children were just playing outside the house and watch limited number of programs in the television during their free time, this kind of activities lead them to become stagnant since their ability to learn something new do not have enough resources. However, at present although children can still play outside, their horizon broaden because there are various activities they can choose from since people keep on thinking new ideas to generate fun-filled activities in order for them to experience a new version of leisure. For instance, there are different types of educational games that can be downloaded for free in the mobile phones. In this way, children and adults can have fun while learning with the use of gadgets. Moreover, with the additional programs on television today, people have more options to discover and explore different phenomena just by watching on the screen at home. In addition, people in the past had difficulty to earn extra money due to the scarcity of available options and leisure activities that was famous decades ago were just chatting with neighbors or simply do nothing. However, today, due to modern technology, people become resourceful and use their gadgets to earn extra cash. For instance, other housewives sell some items online while taking care of their children. This type of creativity leads them to have a worthwhile leisure time because it makes them busy and at the same time generate additional income. In conclusion, modern technology did not lessen the creativity of people to enjoy their leisure time, instead it became a way for them to explore new options and enjoy it in a more fun and resourceful way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Leisure
is a pivotal part of an individual’s life in order to maintain balance from work and fun and due to the advancement of technology, it became a hindrance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enjoy it
creatively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insist that the public were happier in the past when life was
still
simple that they manage to savor their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with worthwhile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. In my part, I disagree with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
became resourceful and artistic during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the latest technology.

In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
playing outside the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
limited number of programs
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
during their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
lead them to become stagnant since their ability to learn something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
resources.
However
, at present although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
still
play outside, their horizon broaden
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
they can choose from since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to generate fun-filled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order for them to experience a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
version of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of educational games that can
be downloaded
for free in the mobile phones. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and adults can have fun while learning with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of gadgets.
Moreover
, with the additional programs on television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more options to discover and explore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
phenomena
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by watching on the screen at home.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past had difficulty to earn extra money due to the scarcity of available options and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
decades ago were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
chatting with neighbors or
simply
do nothing.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, due to modern technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become resourceful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their gadgets to earn extra cash.
For instance
, other housewives sell
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
items online while taking care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This type of creativity leads them to have a worthwhile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them busy and at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
generate additional income.

In conclusion
, modern technology did not lessen the creativity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
instead
it became a way for them to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
options and enjoy it in a more fun and resourceful way.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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