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Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v.2

Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 2
In recent years, many young individuals prefer to live and work in urban areas than rural. Although this might come with a number of drawbacks, I believe it brings about more advantages to the society compared to any problems it might bring. Despite the disadvantages below, I believe the advantages gained by young people when living in the cities are extremely useful for their future. Firstly, students who live in big cities are more likely to have a better education when compared with those in the rural areas. This is a very critical part of their life as it will play an important role in their future. Secondly, people who live and work in a developed environment usually have a more developed personality and soft skills in comparison with those who do not. In other words, cities by its nature have people with different backgrounds and skills; thus, an employee's chance to develop and grow is indubitable. Admittedly, there are some issues involved with more young individuals leaving their homes. One problem would be the lack of enough employees in different sectors of the area. For example, schools might not have enough teachers to educate the children. However, this situation is rare, only happening in some undeveloped countries. Another reason why leaving rural areas might be a disadvantage is that parents will be left alone when they are needing their children the most. Even though this is could be a commonly negative aspect in many countries, governments could allocate more caring nurses in the rural areas to overcome this issue. In conclusion, the critical benefits that young students and workers can gain from living in urban areas will stand them in good stead later in life and clearly outweigh any disadvantages.
In recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and work in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
. Although this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with a number of drawbacks, I believe it brings about more advantages to the society compared to any problems it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
bring.

Despite the disadvantages below, I believe the advantages gained by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
when living in the cities are
extremely
useful for their future.
Firstly
, students who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities are more likely to have a better education when compared with those in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
critical part of their life as it will play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their future.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and work in a developed environment
usually
have a more developed personality and soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in comparison
with those who do not.
In other words
, cities by its nature have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
;
thus
, an employee's chance to develop and grow is indubitable.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues involved with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals leaving their homes. One problem would be the lack of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
employees in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
For example
, schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
teachers to educate the children.
However
, this situation is rare,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
happening in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
undeveloped countries. Another reason why leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a disadvantage is that parents will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone when they
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
their children the most.
Even though
this
Did you mean "it"?
is
could be a
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could allocate more caring nurses in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to overcome this issue.

In conclusion
, the critical benefits that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
students and workers can gain from living in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
will stand them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stead later in life and
clearly
outweigh any disadvantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. Do you think it is a positive or negative development. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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