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It seems clear that obesity in today's society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food. Should governments place a tax on fast food to reduce the amount of fast food consumed? v.1

It seems clear that obesity in today's society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food. Should governments place a tax on fast food to reduce the amount of fast food consumed? v. 1
In recent years, whether parents should receive training on raising children or not is a heated debate. Personally, parents can derive numerous benefits from parental courses; however, it is not an optimum choice for the upbringing of children. Therefore, I agree with the statement to a certain extent. On the one hand, parental courses bring various advantages to parents. Firstly, these courses provide basic knowledge about caring skills from well-trained experts, and parents can exchange advice and helpful information to each other. Secondly, parents have opportunities to practise essential skills before having a baby, which may ensure their preparedness. For example, mothers are trained to use diapers, change the kid’s clothes or the way to stop their baby from crying. On the other hand, it is inessential to undergo parenting training sessions. First, in the Information Age, people can have an unlimited access to knowledge about rearing kids from websites and a multitude of books. Second, parenting cannot be taught as a subject because it is instinctive and spontaneous. The personality of each child is different, thus trying to impose a standardized rule of parenting may lead to negative effects. For instance, for introverted kids, parents should support their hobbies such as reading books and drawing instead of forcing them to join outdoor activities. In conclusion, despite the advantages of parental courses, it is not the most effective way to rear children. My view is that parents should spend more time with their children to understand them, which enables them to have the most beneficial method for parenting.
In recent years, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should receive training on raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or not is a heated debate.
Personally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can derive numerous benefits from parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
;
however
, it is not an optimum choice for the upbringing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement to a certain extent.

On the one hand, parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
bring various advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Firstly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
provide basic knowledge about caring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from well-trained experts, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can exchange advice and helpful information to each other.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have opportunities to
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
having a baby, which may ensure their preparedness.
For example
, mothers
are trained
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
diapers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the kid’s clothes or the way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
their baby from crying.

On the other hand
, it is inessential to undergo
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
training sessions.
First
, in the Information Age,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "unlimited access".
an unlimited access
to knowledge about rearing kids from websites and a multitude of books. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
cannot
be taught
as a subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is instinctive and spontaneous. The personality of each child is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
,
thus
trying to impose a standardized
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
may lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
For instance
, for introverted kids,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should support their hobbies such as reading books and drawing
instead
of forcing them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
outdoor activities.

In conclusion
, despite the advantages of parental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, it is not the most effective way to rear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. My view is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should spend more time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to understand them, which enables them to have the most beneficial method for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It seems clear that obesity in today's society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food. Should governments place a tax on fast food to reduce the amount of fast food consumed? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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