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You have just bought a Walkman from a shop at the airport but found a fault with it after reaching home Write to the shop for a solution v.1

You have just bought a Walkman from a shop at the airport but found a fault with it after reaching home Write to the shop for a solution v. 1
Nowadays, people have become materialistic they want to earn more bucks. Some people think that earning money is crucial than spending time with loved ones. However, Others opine that spending leisure time with family members is better than acquiring more chunks. According to me, the second statement holds much ground and I will discuss both the viewpoints in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, people who think that earning more money and less span is good as compared to acquiring less wages. The first and foremost reason is that in these days people are not satisfied with their own life they just want to earn a lot of money. Moreover, in this modern era of competition people want to allocate more amount of chunks than their colleagues and relatives. The second reason is that many people want to live a luxurious life. Then, they want new model cars, electronic equipments and like to live in well- furnished houses so for that they are earning money. For instance, from a survey of 2009 in USA 37% of people had poor family relationships due to lack of time On the other hand, the individuals who are really like to spend time with their loved ones rather than earning more salary. Initially, they are proved to satisfy with their life and they can find happiness in little things and also they like to spend more times with the nears and dears. Moreover, they can feel better by sharing all the good and bad things which are happening to them in their daily life. Additionally, they can manage family and workplace in a better way if they have more time and also they have no stress of family as well as more earning. For example, scientists have proven that most of the people who are belongs to the middle-class families are the happiest people in the world. To conclude that although earning more money has led to a luxurious life. However, I believe that spending precious time with family members gives a lot of happiness in life instead of earning more salary
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become materialistic they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to earn more bucks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
Use "(crucial)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
crucial
than spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
However
, Others opine that spending leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members is better than acquiring more chunks.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, the second statement holds much ground and I will discuss both the viewpoints in the upcoming paragraphs.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and less span is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as compared to acquiring
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun wages is countable.
less
wages. The
first
and foremost reason is that in these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not satisfied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Moreover
, in this modern era of competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to allocate more amount of chunks than their colleagues and relatives. The second reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Then, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
new model cars, electronic equipments and like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in well- furnished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
for that they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
, from a survey of 2009
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
37% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships due to lack of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
time


On the other hand
, the individuals who are
really
like to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
more salary.
Initially
, they
are proved
to satisfy with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they can find happiness in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
things and
also
they like to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with the nears and dears.
Moreover
, they can feel better by sharing all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things which are happening to them in their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Additionally
, they can manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and workplace in a better way if they have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
also
they have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as well
as more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
.
For example
, scientists have proven that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are belongs to the middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are the happiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world.

To conclude
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has led to a luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, I believe that spending precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
happiness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
more salary
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay You have just bought a Walkman from a shop at the airport but found a fault with it after reaching home Write to the shop for a solution v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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