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It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people v.2

It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people v. 2
As responsible citizens of a progressive society, everyone should suggest their children do a volunteer work. In today's generation, young adults have a lack of social life and not enough awareness to aid poor people. Personally, I believe this aspect have more pros rather than the cons. Undoubtedly, There are more advantages for doing unpaid volunteer work. Firstly, Voluntarily work develops your inner skills and enthusiasm towards a community. For example, when someone assists poor, he feels compassion and empathy. It empowers your humanity. Secondly, these work enhance your behaviour also. Help someone for groceries or their habitat, its your duty towards the nation. It improves your co-curricular activities and doing a fund-raising event and the charity work empowers your growth. In addition, it improves your compassionate nature & leadership quality. For doing charitable work in the community builds you to be a leader. These work teach us that money is not everything and do assistance to create a prosperous world for everyone. Hence, To help someone in need its your obligation to the world. On the other hand, these times for any young adults is their most crucial years. Your recent skills and qualification builds a stronger fate. In addition, your studies and educational information are totally dependable for your future career. And doing a volunteer work midst your curriculum will affects your grades. Young adults believe that doing unpaid work in the community will steal their exploration and pleasures. To conclude, overall I believe the benefits are greater than the drawbacks. Undertake a community service must be a key part of the life cycle for young adults.
As responsible citizens of a progressive society, everyone should suggest their children do a volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have a lack of social life and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
awareness to aid poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Personally
, I believe this aspect have more pros
rather
than the cons.

Undoubtedly
, There are more advantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
unpaid volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Firstly
,
Voluntarily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
develops your inner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and enthusiasm towards a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
For example
, when someone assists poor, he feels compassion and empathy. It empowers your humanity.
Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
enhance your
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
also
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Help
someone for groceries or their habitat,
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
your duty towards the nation. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
your co-curricular activities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
a fund-raising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
and the charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
empowers your growth.
In addition
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
your compassionate nature & leadership quality. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
builds you to be a leader. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
teach us that money is not everything and do assistance to create a prosperous world for everyone.
Hence
, To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
someone in need
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
your obligation to the world.

On the other hand
, these times for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
is their most crucial years. Your recent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and qualification builds a stronger fate.
In addition
, your studies and educational information are
totally
dependable for your future career. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
a volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
midst your curriculum will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "affect"
affects
your grades.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
will steal their exploration and pleasures.

To conclude
,
overall
I believe the benefits are greater than the drawbacks. Undertake a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a key part of the life cycle for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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