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It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v.1

It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1
The Volunteerism is the practice of giving back to a society by doing work with no financial interests in return. In my view, this kind of activity should be encouraged among all the age groups of the people due to its beneficial effects on both the youth and the community. On a brighter side, teenagers getting involved themselves in the different kinds of volunteer tasks will help them to develop interpersonal and soft skills. To illustrate, they will learn the strength of teamwork by raising funds and organizing events, develop communication skills by interacting with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds, and will help them to develop some vocational skills which they can put on their curriculum vitae and further enhance their chances of being selected at a good university or company. Secondly, these unpaid jobs can support them to build the contacts and widen their social circle which can assist them in their future endeavours. Thirdly, helping the weaker portion of society can give a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment to a person. In fact, this will help the entire community to prosper and strengthen the bond of unity which is precisely required in this growing world of materialism and globalization. Contrarily, time spent in the volunteer jobs can be utilized by young people in developing their educational skills and preparing for their future prospects. Sometimes, these unpaid works can act as distractions and divert the teenagers from their career development efforts. To conclude, I opine that even a few hours of unpaid work done every week by the each young member of the community is much more worthwhile than doing nothing for the welfare of the society.
The Volunteerism is the practice of giving back to a society by doing work with no financial interests in return. In my view, this kind of activity should
be encouraged
among all the age groups of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
due to its beneficial effects on both the youth and the community.

On a brighter side,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
getting involved themselves in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of volunteer tasks will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop interpersonal and soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. To illustrate, they will learn the strength of teamwork by raising funds and organizing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, develop communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
by interacting with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
socioeconomic backgrounds, and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which they can put on their curriculum vitae and
further
enhance their chances of
being selected
at a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
university or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Secondly
, these unpaid jobs can support them to build the contacts and widen their social circle which can assist them in their future
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
.
Thirdly
, helping the weaker portion of society can give a sense of satisfaction and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
to a person. In fact, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the entire community to prosper and strengthen the bond of unity which is
precisely
required in this growing world of materialism and globalization.

Contrarily
, time spent in the volunteer jobs can
be utilized
by young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in developing their educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and preparing for their future prospects.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, these unpaid works can act as distractions and divert the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
from their career development efforts.

To conclude
, I opine that even a few hours of unpaid work done every week by
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "each" is left.
the each
young member of the community is much more worthwhile than doing nothing for the welfare of the society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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