Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v.1

It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1
It is argued that teenagers should perform a duration of volunteer work assisting people in the community. This essay will argue that the principal advantages of such initiative outweighs the drawbacks. This essay will firstly describe that the main advantage is that teenagers will have a higher probability of gaining employment, followed by financial instability as the primary disadvantage which is not valid and a reasoned conclusion. Foremost, one of the main advantages of teenagers immersing themselves in a community performing volunteer work is that they will have better prospects and highly likely to gain an employment especially fresh graduates. This is because they will learn a host of skills such as empathy, teamwork and communication which are essential and fundamental in any job positions. For instance, a survey in the past conducted by Cambridge University showed that at least 60% of young graduate adults that had previous volunteer experience managed to secure an employment in United Kingdom compared to those that did not involved themselves. Moreover, the community also will benefit from this initiative in gaining extra helping hands especially during any mother nature disaster such as the recent bushfires that impacted the entire Australian community. However, some will disagree that teenagers performing volunteer work will lead them to be financially incapable. This argument is not valid as many teenagers can find other part time jobs to finance themselves with their costs of living while doing volunteer work. Moreover, the purpose of doing an unpaid work for the community is to gain valuable experience which in turn can be helpful in their future career prospects. In conclusion, clearly the main advantages of helping the community with unpaid work trumps the point that teenagers will struggle financially. As long as there is a balance between working part time for income and committed to volunteer work, the drawback can be eliminated. Hence, teenagers are strongly encouraged to join volunteer work programs in the community.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should perform a duration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
assisting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. This essay will argue that the principal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of such initiative outweighs the drawbacks. This essay will
firstly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
that the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will have a higher probability of gaining employment, followed by financial instability as the primary disadvantage which is not valid and a reasoned conclusion.

Foremost, one of the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
immersing themselves in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that they will have better prospects and
highly
likely to gain an employment
especially
fresh graduates. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will learn a host of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as empathy, teamwork and communication which are essential and fundamental in any job positions.
For instance
, a survey in the past conducted by Cambridge University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that at least 60% of young graduate adults that had previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
experience managed to secure an employment
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United Kingdom".
in United Kingdom
compared to those that did not
The verb 'did' requires the base form of the verb: "involve"
involved
themselves.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
also
will benefit from this initiative in gaining extra helping hands
especially
during any mother nature disaster such as the recent bushfires that impacted the entire Australian community.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
will disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will lead them to be
financially
incapable. This argument is not valid as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can find other
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
jobs to finance themselves with their costs of living while doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Moreover
, the purpose of doing an unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is to gain valuable experience which in turn can be helpful in their future career prospects.

In conclusion
,
clearly
the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
with unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
trumps the point that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will struggle
financially
. As long as there is a balance between working
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
for income and committed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, the drawback can
be eliminated
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are
strongly
encouraged to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
programs in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts