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It is suggested that all young adults should undertake period of unpaid work, helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the young people? Some people say that E books and technology will totally replace traditional newspapers and magazines. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is suggested that all young adults should undertake period of unpaid work, helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the young people? Some people say that E books and technology will totally replace traditional newspapers and magazines. v. 1
The youth of today is generally considered to lack social knowledge and experience, which are of crucial importance in the future development. To solve this problem some people suggest that they should undertake a period of voluntary industry in the local community helping people around them. Personally, I believe that making young people do voluntary industry will be very beneficial for the youth as well as for the community and the negative effects of such an approach would be negligible. Undoubtedly, it will benefit both the young people enormously if they do a certain period of unpaid work. By helping the elderly, the sick and the disabled directly, or participating in charitable activities like raising funds or offering free consultation, young people will certainly gain and accumulate some valuable first hand experience and know more about the company. Moreover, young people with such experiences are more likely to become the most motivated ones in academic study or at the task, and eventually become responsible citizens of the society. As far as the community is concerned, it will definitely become better with so many zealous young volunteers who are ready to help. However, there may be some disadvantages if young provide free service helping people in need. For example, it may conflict with their normal study or industry if not arranged well. Then the result maybe not as desirable as what is expected. But I think this sort of problem can be easily taken care of by meticulous planning by the school authorities. To conclude, competitiveness of modern life and influence of global culture has isolated children from the neighbourhood. So making them do some voluntary production would be very beneficial to make today's children feel part of the company they live in.
The youth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is
generally
considered to lack social knowledge and experience, which are of crucial importance in the future development. To solve this problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that they should undertake a period of voluntary industry in the local community helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them.
Personally
, I believe that making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do voluntary industry will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for the youth
as well
as for the community and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of such an approach would be negligible.

Undoubtedly
, it will benefit both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enormously
if they do a certain period of unpaid work. By helping the elderly, the sick and the disabled
directly
, or participating in charitable activities like raising funds or offering free consultation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
certainly
gain and accumulate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable
'first hand' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "first-hand".
first hand
experience and know more about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with such experiences are more likely to become the most motivated ones in academic study or at the task, and
eventually
become responsible citizens of the society. As far as the community
is concerned
, it will definitely become better with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
zealous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
volunteers who are ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

However
, there may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
provide free service helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in need.
For example
, it may conflict with their normal study or industry if not arranged well. Then the result maybe not as desirable as what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this sort of problem can be
easily
taken care of by meticulous planning by the school authorities.

To conclude
, competitiveness of modern life and influence of global culture has isolated children from the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
making them do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
voluntary production would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's children feel part of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay It is suggested that all young adults should undertake period of unpaid work, helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the young people? Some people say that E books and technology will totally replace traditional newspapers and magazines. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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