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It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family life? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family life? v. 1
In this money driven world, it is not uncommon to see both the partners in a family to be working to fulfil the family needs or otherwise. This situation has given rise to many problems for children as well as family. On one hand, because of spending extended number of hours at workplace, the children are usually rendered unattended by both the parents, which makes them pray of bad habits such as enormous hours spent on playing games and watching television. Moreover, Children in such houses are often seen to be indulged in bad company as they are not mature enough to distinguish between rights and wrongs. For instance, according to a research, around 60 percent of the children of the households, where both parents are doing jobs, are seen to be indulged in illegal activities. On the other hand, such scenario also has an adverse effect the family life too. Firstly, as the members of the family spend least time together, it results in having weak family bond. Secondly, it also raises the problem of poor mental health of the family members as they are exposed to constant pressure of work as well as home chores. Last but not the least, the intimacy and respect among the couples deteriorate, which, in turn, give rise to fights and arguments. To illustrate, the divorce rate among the young couples has arisen to 20 percent because of spending less time together and more at work. To conclude, albeit earning money is a necessity in today’s world, however, it should not be done at the cost of ignoring family and children.
In this money driven world, it is not uncommon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
both the partners in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to be working to fulfil the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs or
otherwise
. This situation has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
rise to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as family.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of spending extended number of hours at workplace, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
usually
rendered unattended by both the parents, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them pray of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as enormous hours spent on playing games and watching television.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
in such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to
be indulged
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
as they are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to distinguish between rights and wrongs.
For instance
, according to a research, around 60 percent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of the households, where both parents are doing jobs, are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to
be indulged
in illegal activities.

On the other hand
, such scenario
also
has an adverse effect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
life too.
Firstly
, as the members of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
spend
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
time together, it results in having weak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bond.
Secondly
, it
also
raises the problem of poor mental health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members as they
are exposed
to constant pressure of work
as well
as home chores. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, the intimacy and respect among the couples deteriorate, which, in turn, give rise to fights and arguments. To illustrate, the divorce rate among the young couples has arisen to 20 percent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of spending less time together and more at work.

To conclude
, albeit earning money is a necessity in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world,
however
, it should not
be done
at the cost of ignoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family life? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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