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It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family l v.3

It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family l v. 3
Advertisement plays part and parcel role in human life from where people know latest things. Nowadays, especially advertise targeting children and their adverts that frequently promote toys on TV and they are considered vulnerable target by companies. I agree with the statement yet some conservative swing in the opposite direction. I will elaborate my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs. To embark upon, there are numerous of reasons why toys should forbid on the television. First and foremost, children are obsessed with toys in young age and whenever they see these kinds of commercial of the toys of their superhero for instance Doreman, Batman and Barbie then they pester their parents to buy those things as well as this can upset the budget of their families. However, children, undertaken a certain age, lack ability to make the wise judgement as they do not know what they really want. Moreover, commercials are also responsible for many behaviour problems and lifestyle issues of today’s children. For example, playing violent electronic games promoted by advertising firms all day make some children bad-tempered. All these problems would pose a threat to children’s health as well as growth. On the other hand, childhood is the only age to play with toys. They play a vital role in the physical and mental development of kids. Furthermore, youngsters become more creative by playing with toys and learn sharing things with others and with the help of broadcast folks know about what toys are available in the market. In the epilogue, I think that though children become demanding to see the adverts of toys, but a ban on the ad is not a reasonable solution. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach their young ones not to be influenced by commercials.
Advertisement plays part and parcel role in human life from where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
things. Nowadays,
especially
advertise targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their adverts that
frequently
promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
on
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
TV and
they
are considered
vulnerable target by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement
yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conservative swing in the opposite direction. I will elaborate my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.

To embark upon, there are numerous of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
should forbid on the television.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are obsessed
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
in young age and whenever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these kinds of commercial of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
of their superhero
for instance
Possible spelling mistake found.
Doreman
, Batman and Barbie then they pester their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those things
as well
as this can upset the budget of their families.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, undertaken a certain age, lack ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the wise judgement as they do not know what they
really
want.

Moreover
, commercials are
also
responsible for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
problems and lifestyle issues of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, playing violent electronic games promoted by advertising firms all day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
-tempered. All these problems would pose a threat to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health
as well
as growth.

On the other hand
, childhood is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
age to play with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
. They play a vital role in the physical and mental development of kids.
Furthermore
, youngsters become more creative by playing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
and learn sharing things with others and with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of broadcast folks know about what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are available in the market.

In the epilogue, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become demanding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the adverts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a ban on the ad is not a reasonable solution. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach their young ones not to
be influenced
by commercials.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay It is quite common for both parents in a family to work. Sometimes this is because they need two salaries to survive whereas other times it is their choice. What are the problems you see in this situation? How does this affect the children and the family l v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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