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It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. v. 2
In this contemporary setting, history is given paramount importance, and some are of the opinion that local history should be given more emphasis than world history to students. Considering this situation, it is crucial to explore this from two perspectives. To begin with, local history presenting ancestors’ thoughts and experience has some merits, as it is part an integral part of the education system. To be specific, local history can present causes and consequences of certain behaviours, which helps students to understand factors contributing to failure and success, thereby preventing them from repeating the same mistakes and integrating their ancestors’ experience with the current context. As a result, this helps students to improve their lives in their local society. Besides, those adopting their traditional culture will establish a sound moral value system, this is because cultural history contains an enormous value which helps young people to distinguish between right and wrong. Furthermore, it can prevent them from committing crimes. Consequently, local history tends to contribute to enhancing social cohesion. On the other hand, by learning world history, students may gain benefits as well, as it plays an indispensable role in this holistic development. To be precise, teaching student world history tends to learn diverse values, traditions and customs, which broadens their horizon. Moreover, They will cultivate a sense of empathy among other countries. For instance, many countries have experienced civil wars. When students study world history about other countries’ civil, it can integrate their sense of feelings and comprehension of wars into other ones. Therefore, this might result in fewer disputes among countries. Hence, it can devote to a harmonious society. In conclusion, local history will have a fundamental role in improving students’ lives and enhancing social cohesion. However, by no means, should we turn a blind eye on the benefits of world history. Nevertheless, I strongly agree that it is pivotal for students to pay more attention to local history rather than world history.
In this contemporary setting,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
paramount importance, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more emphasis than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Considering this situation, it is crucial to explore this from two perspectives.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
presenting ancestors’ thoughts and experience has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits, as it is part an integral part of the education system. To be specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
can present causes and consequences of certain
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to understand factors contributing to failure and success, thereby preventing them from repeating the same mistakes and integrating their ancestors’ experience with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
context.
As a result
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
society.
Besides
, those adopting their traditional culture will establish a sound moral value system, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
contains an enormous value which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to distinguish between right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
Furthermore
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from committing crimes.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
tends to contribute to enhancing social cohesion.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, by learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may gain benefits
as well
, as it plays an indispensable role in this holistic development. To be precise, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
tends to learn diverse values, traditions and customs, which broadens their horizon.
Moreover
,

They will cultivate a sense of empathy among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have experienced civil wars. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries’
civil, it can integrate their sense of feelings and comprehension of wars into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ones.
Therefore
, this might result in fewer disputes among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Hence
, it can devote to a harmonious society.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
will have a fundamental role in improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and enhancing social cohesion.
However
, by no means, should we turn a blind eye on the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
Nevertheless
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is pivotal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to pay more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
325 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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