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It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 2
A common discussion among educators is about whether local history is more crucial than world history, with conflicting views on how school children would approach this issue. One opinion states that historical knowledge of the world will help prepare students for the globalized era that we are in today. Advocates of this belief that acquiring the history of how another culture was formed means understanding and sympathizing, as well as appreciating the distinct characteristics of that culture. If a student from my Vietnam country learns about the 9/11 incident, he would be aware of how catastrophic it was and show respect to the victims, along with the emergency workers who were there. Also besides, because the borders between countries are becoming welcome to international citizens, knowing the social customs of another culture will let those citizens adapt more easily. However, when a student neglects local history, he will not know the origin of where he is coming from. Teaching local history often includes lessons on historic battles that the ancestors had to fight to keep the freedom of their country. Having these events in mind, students will not only realize how struggling the country was built, but also feel proud of their identity. From a personal perspective, educational systems should focus more on teaching young students domestic history. Doing this will build a fundamental understanding of those children, as well as of patriotism. The schools can then give more attention to global history after the children have reached cognitive maturity. In conclusion, even though teaching world history can bring benefits that broaden students’ horizons, it will not be complete without knowledge of origins.
A common discussion among educators is about whether local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is more crucial than world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
, with conflicting views on how school children would approach this issue. One opinion states that historical knowledge of the world will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for the globalized era that we are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

Advocates of this belief that acquiring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of how another culture
was formed
means understanding and sympathizing,
as well
as appreciating the distinct characteristics of that culture. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
from my Vietnam
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
learns about the 9/11 incident, he would be aware of how catastrophic it was and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
respect to the victims, along with the emergency workers who were there.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the borders between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are becoming welcome to international citizens, knowing the social customs of another culture will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
those citizens adapt more
easily
.

However
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
neglects local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
, he will not know the origin of where he is coming from. Teaching local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
includes lessons on historic battles that the ancestors had to fight to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the freedom of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Having these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in mind,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
realize how struggling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
was built
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
feel proud of their identity.

From a personal perspective, educational systems should focus more on teaching young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. Doing this will build a fundamental understanding of those children,
as well
as of patriotism. The schools can then give more attention to global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
after the children have reached cognitive maturity.

In conclusion
,
even though
teaching world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
can bring benefits that broaden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
horizons, it will not be complete without knowledge of origins.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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