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It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. v. 1
Future seems unpredictable most of the time, so some people give up planning it and try to focus on the present. However, I believe that it is important to plan for the future, as well as focus on the present in a successful life. Planning the future promotes people to concentrate on clear goals. In current society, apart from various ambitions, people also have to face up a great number of choices about their future in life and work. Nevertheless, their energy and time is too limited to do everything. Planning the future enables people to make sense of which choice suits for them and pick it as their specific aim. Then, when people abandon other choices and ambitions, they could devote their most energetic and time to achieve this goal. As a result of this, it is easier for people to be successful at the minimum time. In order to change these future plans into reality, to seize the present is required. Focusing on the present can help people pay attention to tackle problems and achieve tasks rather than keep fantasy. By contrast, if people do not put any efforts into their plans, these plans would be nothing but a waste of time. For instance, although many people try to design their perfect future occupation, such as doctor, lawyer and actor, some of them hardly ever learn relevant knowledge. Consequently, those people will far away from their ideal future. To sum up, that people plan the future and focus on the present are not contradictory. To plan for the future is regarded as the first step towards success, whether these plans could be reality depends on how people handle their present.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Future
seems unpredictable most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give up planning it and try to focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
.
However
, I believe that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
as well
as focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
in a successful life.

Planning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
promotes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to concentrate on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
goals. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
society, apart from various ambitions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face up a great number of choices about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
in life and work.
Nevertheless
, their energy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is too limited to do everything. Planning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sense of which choice suits for them and pick it as their specific aim. Then, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
abandon other choices and ambitions, they could devote their most energetic and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to achieve this goal.
As a result
of this, it is easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be successful at the minimum time.

In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
into reality, to seize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
is required
. Focusing on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay attention to tackle problems and achieve tasks
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fantasy. By contrast, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not put any efforts into their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
would be nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to design their perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
occupation, such as doctor, lawyer and actor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them hardly ever learn relevant knowledge.
Consequently
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will far away from their ideal future.

To sum up, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
are not contradictory. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is regarded
as the
first
step towards success, whether these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
could be reality depends on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
handle their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay It is more important for school student to learn about local history than the world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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