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It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 1
There is a school of thought that learning local traditions is more essential than world history for school pupils. Nevertheless, I am in favor of the idea that it is equally important for them to study local, national and global history. On the one hand, the history of local and nation plays an irreplaceable role in the development process of children. Kids need to be aware of the events of their country’s past, which enhances their patriotism. Vietnam wars are particular examples of the erecting, defensing progress and heroes who sacrificed for the nation’s freedom. Also, local history probably increases the social knowledge of children. It can be clearly seen that an educational system involving the history of their own country or region enables children to know how important local cultural traditions have developed. On the other hand, the benefit of studying world history should not be underestimated. Schoolchildren are able to develop an understanding of the past experiences of other peoples through historical lessons of the world. As a result, it will be easier for them to form an empathy by knowing about the origins and past development of people around the world. Moreover, children may understand how the history of one country has come to affect the history of other countries. To illustrate, world history provided children with explanation why one nation became colony of another and the impacts remained until today. In conclusion, I would argue that not only local history but also world history is worth teaching to schoolboys and schoolgirls.
There is a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
traditions is more essential than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
for school pupils.
Nevertheless
, I am in favor of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for them to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
, national and global history.

On the one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
and nation plays an irreplaceable role in the development process of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Kids need to be aware of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
past, which enhances their patriotism.
The genitive is possibly missing.
Vietnam wars
are particular examples of the erecting, defensing progress and heroes who sacrificed for the nation’s freedom.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
probably
increases the social knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that an educational system involving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or region enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to know how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
cultural traditions have developed.

On the other hand
, the benefit of studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
should not
be underestimated
. Schoolchildren are able to develop an understanding of the
Consider using "experiences".
past experiences
of other peoples through historical lessons of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
As a result
, it will be easier for them to form an empathy by knowing about the origins and past development of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may understand how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with explanation why one nation became colony of another and the impacts remained until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

In conclusion
, I would argue that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is worth teaching to schoolboys and schoolgirls.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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